Horoscopes

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07/20/2005 12:00 AM |

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19

Truly, it is a mad world. There are people living deep beneath the Earth’s surface, in houses made of old pop bottles and flannel; there are people living in the clouds, in giant dirigible bicycle baskets; the moment has arrived when Terry Gilliam movies seem grounding. Oh Aries, you broke my heart and I now I live in the trees. I am barren. Why do you break our hearts?

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20

Let me tell you Taurus, the sunshine of your love is shining brightly this month… but what’s the point of powerful UV rays if there ain’t anyone around to get a tan? Ecch, what a crappy metaphor. Here’s the deal: you got it going on, but you can’t just sit around the apartment waiting for people to notice. Exposure. Get out there. Undo that top button. Hang.

GEMNI MAY 21 – JUNE 20

It’s high regatta season Gemini, so I imagine you’ll be dusting off your topsiders and sextant, licking your lips in anticipation of just one more gin and tonic. This is your opportunity to regain some peace of mind, or at the very least redeem yourself for last year’s embarrassing “Pope dunking” — if you know what I mean. Time to grow up, you’re not a kid anymore.

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22

Some days, they say, you’re just better off staying in bed. Ain’t that the truth Cancer? You’ve been having a rough go of it lately, haven’t you? Your pants don’t fit anymore, your bedsprings squeak at inopportune moments, your radio only gets one station and it’s in Cantonese… Clearly, the world is trying to tell you something: “Cancer, restore the balance, return those library books!”

LEO JULY 23 – AUG 22

When you were a child, you wondered that the world might indeed be full of magic and secrets; when you were a teenager, you saw that in some ways it was, but that in others it was a very real, very cold place. Now you’re an adult and you don’t even know what I’m talking about. Dear Leo, you used to dance among the pussy willows, and now you trudge beneath crabapples. Isn’t that sad?

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22

Some mountains are too high to climb just for the sake of love; as are some valleys too wide. True love, the kind that will last through the slings and indignities of this wretched life, must meet in the middle. The quest is all very nice Virgo, but what happens at the end, when you’re sitting together in the back of the bus in your wedding finery? Koo-koo-choo, that’s what.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22

Did you ever hear about the firefly who thought he was a star? His name was Ferdinand and every year around this time, he’d stop to watch the meteor showers in the sky. Being but a humble bug, he’d get confused by all the light and would try to fly up into the vaults of the firmament. Libra, is there a Ferdinand in your life? Maybe you should reach out and give them a taste of reality.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21

Sure, you can teach a man to fish and he’ll be able to eat, but with mercury levels being what they are, he’ll probably get sick. It would make more sense to teach a man to be responsible for his adverse affect on the environment. Forgive my ranting, Scorpio, it’s just that you’ve been so good at admitting your mistakes it makes others look shabby. You deserve a reward: stereo equipment!

SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 – DEC 21

Ghostwriters aren’t so bad, Sagittarius, in helping you articulate truths you didn’t know existed. As you sit down to tell us the story of your life it might make sense to retain the services of one, at the very least to improve that flaming Christmas tree anecdote, which always begins well but ends in a muddled whimper. You have the stories, you just need to tell them better.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19

Dogs are kind of like the frat boys of the animal world: they always want to party, they slobber all over the place, and they just don’t understand that you might not want to hang out with them. But there is one thing dogs/frat boys can teach us Capricorn: if you fall asleep in the middle of the driveway, you’ll probably get run over by aunt Lou’s El Camino.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

Sometimes I wish I had a different first name — Läps is pretty goofy when you think about it, and people have a hard time pronouncing it (it rhymes with “drapes”). I’d love a forceful name, like Alexander or Strom, a name I could really enter a room with and rescue a group of hostages. Are you happy with your name, Aquarius? Remember, no matter what they tell you, you can always change.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20

Vacation time is soon approaching, begging the question: Should you take that cruise to Belize or not? And of course, you know that “cruise to Belize” is a euphemism for ending a long-term relationship, which is serious business. So Pisces, you’ve really got to ask yourself: Does the Playa Deck have all of my leisure needs taken care of? Or is something missing? (Hint: yes.)