Let L?ps Tell You What to Do

by |
04/12/2006 12:00 AM |

There’s some crazy shit out there, Aries. Crazy, slithery, unnameable prelapsarian juju that just won’t stop thrumming. Run! It’s coming for you! So what exactly did you do to earn the wrathful attention of the universe? Think about this carefully, it could be the key to your salvation… nothing? Let me jog your memory, two words: Gingham caftan; a few more words: where is it?

I’ve been checking out the internets lately for added insight into the contemporary psyche, and I have to tell you — you people are crazy! From your chatrooms to your blogposts, you’re a bunch of self-obsessed timewasters more concerned with buying and selling useless items than growing your souls. Taurus, you might want to put your soul on a diet though. Sorry. Just sayin’.

You like whiskey, Gemini? I sure do. Between me and you, I’m drunk right now. Normally, I’d never drink and astrologise, but I can’t seem to get this one image out of my head, so I figured I’d write it down before it vanished into the methanol mists: You are sitting on a dock, trailing your hand in the benign lake water when a thought strikes you: Maybe I don’t really love him/her? Uh oh.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, I’m trying desperately to make a phone call but the rotary mechanism is sticky with congealed lychee juice and it’s starting to hail and I speak out loud into the teeth of the storm: “Cancer, is this your doing? Must we always fight like this?” It’s hard work being stuck in an eternal battle of the elements. Isn’t it time you took a nap?

It is possible to go too far, Leo. Remember, as far as you swim out, you’re going to have to swim back. The same goes for cruelty: once you take it to a certain level, it’s that much harder to earn your way back to a state of grace. So I want you to think long and hard, whenever you’re feeling capricious, about the impact you have on those around you. There’s a reason we call you Cruella.

Asteroid farming. I’m not kidding, Virgo, this could be the next big thing. We just got to put together an outfit of space farmers and we could be in the money. You see, there’s gold in them-there asteroids, and it’s ready for the pluckin’! And when was the last time you really took a chance? Invest! Invest! (Cashier’s check or money order will do fine, thank you.) Keep your eyes on the stars!

The future isn’t “now,” Libra. The future won’t ever be anything tangible we can understand. Inspirational speeches are fine and dandy if you’re a disaffected millionaire, but schlubs like us don’t have time to chew on platitudes about seizing the day — the day is too busy seizing us. All we want is an occasional head-above-water moment, a little kiss of sunlight. Is that too much to ask? No.

Spring is freakish. Every goddamn time — it bursts on the scene in a clichéd eruption of flowers and birdsong and heightened sexual desire and we act like it’s all new and amazing. Idiots! C’mon people! (And by “people,” I mean you, Scorpio.) Before you know it you’ll be complaining about pit stains and mysterious foot odor. Get some perspective! (And by that, I mean be more cynical.)

Absolutes are outdated. Things are grey, now, don’t you know. Everywhere you look, everything you do, all the things you feel, thoughts you have, songs you sing… they’re all of the same great continuum, for good or for bad. So, Sagittarius, you can’t live your life as if it’s separate from the rest of us. We flow together! We are the river of humanity! Some of us are eddies, some of us are ebbs.

Shit. I’m sorry Capricorn. I realize I gave you some bum info last time around. When I told you to never sing in public, I really just meant you should refrain from particularly outlandish public displays — be it song, dance, poetry, bodybuilding, rollerskating and/or competitive whistling. You’re voice is fine, and you shouldn’t feel bad about using it at family gatherings in your home.

Anger release. It’s been a while since you’ve taken a deliberate approach to stress relief. Sure, when you were in college (or high school, or wherever it was you last allowed yourself a little unabashed physical freedom) you’d cut loose and flail around, letting it all hang out. Remember how good that felt? Yeah. So put on some terry cloth shorts and go freak it on Broadway. It’s awesome!

That night has always been a night to forget, hasn’t it Pisces? I understand that you had been drinking, that it’d been a long day at work; I know your shoes were too tight, and that your beagles were under the weather — but did you have to be so very, very mean to me? You know what? I don’t accept your reasons. I’m still mad. And just for that, you’re on your own this week. No astrology for you.