Hey lovely fellows, tonight is the 9th Annual Mr. Lower East Side Pageant, hosted by Reverend Jen, and maybe the most beautiful man will be you. If you win, you get a crown with a detachable bong, a slice of pizza, and a six-pack of Budweiser. If you don’t win, you still might be given the title of “Mr. Congeniality” or “Best Male Tits.”
You don’t have to live there, but you do somehow have to embody the Lower East Side, whatever that means to you. If you want to compete, prepare a one-minute talent, bring a swimsuit and some eveningwear, and show up at 9:30pm (or email firstname.lastname@example.org for details).
Boyfriends, this could be you. Every woman and gay man in the audience is a judge, it is your special moment. So throw up, put some chapstick on your teeth, and everywhere like such as and. Also I should point out that despite the title of this post and some of the words that I’ve used inside it, you don’t actually have to be pretty or handsome like a doll to win this title, so don’t be afraid. Here is a picture of last year’s winner. It’s at the Bowery Poetry Club, it’s $7, and it starts at 10pm. No you look really skinny, it’s like you are dying of a disease.