Sex Advice from a Goose: Of the Hair and Now

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07/14/2008 9:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Recently I’ve become upset with the hairlessness in porn. I could hang with the landing strip or whatever, and then the completely waxed, but now they’re waxing all the way back? What’s up with that? I can’t keep up.

I’m with you on this one. You know what it means when a goose doesn’t have any feathers around her goosebits? It means she has been plucked, having already been shot from out of the sky by a NASCAR fan and fetched in the slobbering mouth of some flea-ridden mutt; and will soon be eaten. I ask you, pornographic filmmakers and performers of America (and the Pacific rim): is there anything less sexy than a dead goose, or person? No, no there is not anything less sexy than a dead goose, or person.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I’ve waxed or shaved my bush for years, and decided to grow it out for a change of pace. The problem is that it’s really, REALLY itchy while it’s stubble. I know it’s only a couple of weeks, but is there anything I can do? I don’t want to spend all day trying not to scratch my junk in public.

Perhaps you should not have spent so many years trying to look like a Christmas dinner from Victorian England, harlot.