10 Things That Should Be Olympic Events

by |
08/06/2008 10:02 AM |

Olympic fever has descended upon the planet. And while of course I love to watch swimming (but now their futuristic aero/waterodynamic shark suits cover up their hot swimmer bodies, what’s with that?), running and many other Olympic events, here’s a few they don’t have that I’d like it if they did.

1. Making shapes with your body. People would turn their bodies into amazing shapes, like hand puppets meets the song ‘YMCA,’ but so many times better.

2. Carving animals out of food, but timed. Whoever can make a cat out of a watermelon fastest and best wins. (But you don’t know what the challenge will be–“cat,” say–until the event takes place.)

3. Something with mermaids. It would be like rhythmic gymnastics meets aquatic-themed casino meets little girls’ wallpaper. More on this later, after I brainstorm.

4. Swimming across a large and scary body of water. It would take at least 24 hours.

5. Burrowing. Whoever could burrow into the ground completely in the least amount of time wins. Scary, too, because you wouldn’t be able to breathe well, assuming you went in headfirst.

6. People compete in every single summer Olympic event, and whoever has the best cumulative score at the end wins. Some variation on the ultimate triathlon.

7. Fittest person. This would be more of a pageant competition.

8. Surfing. Is there surfing in the Olympics?

9. I think the thing about mermaids (no. 3) would be synchronized swimming, but underwater and in elaborate costumes. A pool with glass sides that you can watch through.

10. Riding dolphins. Like equestrian, but in the water.

Feel free to add your own suggestions below.

6 Comment

  • Cooking, but not like Iron Chef where it’s about being creative with recipies and decisive in the running of a high-pressure kitchen… more of a bake-off, maybe, where the goal is to have the best recipie, and feed the most people, and the gold medal goes to the person who has the most competitors hanging around his or her table eating his or her entry.

    A game of chicken, but on foot. I’m not sure if this would work.

    Boat races.

    A rap battle.


  • mark, they have boat races. men’s and woman’s sailing. and canoe/kayak and rowing. all of which involves boats and racing.

  • Not what I meant…

    A “boat race” is also a beer-chugging relay race, in the parlance of those who, like me, dabble in douchebaggery from time to time.

  • i like chicken, but it would have to be with people staying at that awesome walking pace they have for race-walking.

  • I think there is something to this whole Chicken thing… but would they be running/speed-walking towards each other or towards the edge of a cliff?

    I don’t think olympic-level chicken athletes would ever swerve if going at each other… in which case, they’d have to be running full speed to make it entertaining.

  • lobsterdash (50m, 100m)