Biology Is Destiny

08/20/2008 12:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
I read your column from a while ago about sex during your period. I’d always been told that since the cervix is dilated during menstruation, you shouldn’t have sex because you’re at a greater risk of getting an infection. Is that true?

Hmm. I’d never heard of that before, but it does make sense — if there’s a way out for blood, there must be a way in for other stuff. So I did some research, and, as with all lady body things, there is no consensus.
Physically, when you are on your period, your cervix is open but not in the same way as when you are ovulating. It is “rigid” and “facing down” so that blood can escape but it is more difficult for sperm to get in. Which is awesome, because who wants a bunch of dead spooge clogging up the baby hole… Am I right ladies?!

Which, hey, by the way, fun fact: did you know that when you’re not fertile, and especially when you’re with spawn, a plug of mucus blocks entry to your cervix and points beyond? True story! Mucus: So that’s what that dude’s dick was rasping against. Isn’t the human body an amazing machine?

Anyway, when you’re on the rag, the mucus plug has taken off (to where, it’s best not to think too hard about), and the vagina’s pH is higher than usual. Low pH is one of the female reproductive system’s biggest selling points, as an acid environment tends to inhibit bacterial growth, so the change in pH can create a more welcoming environment for unwanted flora.

So although there are factors that could increase your chance of getting an infection during your period, and
though your cervix is open, it’s not really that huge a risk, and has more to do with your specific plumbing than anything else. This is only for unprotected sex, by the way, which hopefully only the committed, monogamous, tested few of you are having.

If you’re really prone to getting infections from sex, or are really worried about it, just wear a condom. I definitely didn’t find any health professionals who were like DEAR GOD NO DON’T DO IT, so whatever, judgment call on your end.

Sort of tangentially, if you would like to see some fairly rad (and also GRAPHIC) pictures of different ladies’ cervixes as they make their orbit around the sun, go to

Dear Audrey,
I know all about “size doesn’t matter,” blah blah blah. But as a guy, I’m a little intimidated by the sizes of most dildos for sale out there. Not that I’m in the market, mind you. However, I’m now thinking that dildo-length probably has something to do with the fact that you ladies have to grab the bottom part of it, and so you need a bunch of gripping space for your hand. Is that true? Or wishful thinking?

Oh, guy. Do not fret about the dildo sizes. I’m not sure what kind you’re thinking of — the dick-shaped ones? Ladies understand that dick-shaped dildos are not accurate representations of the average dick. That is not the expectation with a dildo.

But yes, there’s some gripping space. Also, it’s my sense that in the dildo market, people try to buy more than they think they need, since you can always not use those last couple of inches, but if you get there and don’t have enough dildo, well, then you’re out of luck.

I do find that most of the women I know prefer vibes to dildos for everyday use, though. A dildo is more of a showpiece, for company. I would not spend my precious and only life worrying about dildo size, if I were you. Most women will be comparing your wiener to other ones they’ve had contact with anyway.

One Comment


    My wife Josephine is crazy. The very very rare times that we make love she wants to pull my “BONAPARTE!”

    Get it?! “BONAPARTE”! “BONE APART”!”

    Au revoir all,