Sex Advice from a Goose: Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree

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08/11/2008 9:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Speaking of gross internet sex phenomena, when I was 14 years old, back in 1977, me and a friend found a box of Hustlers in the nearby woods. It was summer and we were two teenage boys discovering the magical possibilities of wanking. But the issue that stands out in memory was the one in which the good Mr. Flynt decided to publish horrifying images culled from the Vietnam War. Awful photos of bodies with mortar wounds and missing heads. I beheld these photos and could feel a deep, existential pang start to develop in my guts — then I’d turn the page and see a cum-drenched woman spreading her vagina as wide as possible. What can be learned from this? Maybe nothing as I ponder the extreme, democratized internet offerings of 2girls1cup, and still feel those pangs of horror. But I’m an artist now and Salvador Dalí loved watching his beloved Gala defecate. What gives?

Wow, thank you for choosing our pages to splooge your ‘Nam flashback onto, sir (I assume). Suck on that, Savage Love (and then invent a word for what you just did).
But seriously, are you sure that the horror is tied specifically to the war imagery, and not, like, the fact that the contents of a Hustler are legitimately terrifying for a 14-year-old? I mean, a friend of mine at summer camp had some pictures of two Greys laying eggs in the bottom of his sock drawer, and those pictures really traumatized me, not because like they were juxtaposed with pictures of foie gras or anything, but simply because I wasn’t prepared to see stuff like that at that age.

Dear Audrey Gary,
My friend and I were discussing Lance Armstrong and it led to a discussion of whether or not you can get a boner without balls. Can you?

Well, Audrey Ference, who is a licensed Sex Advice Columnist, says yes, you can, so the answer is yes, you can, leaving me to ponder other questions raised here, such as: Do they make Neuticles for people? And the answer is Yes, yes they do.