Sex, Lies and Scandal: He Just Can’t Get It Up

09/16/2008 1:33 PM |

I hate to break from our agreed upon format so early in the game here, but Sharon and I just started iChatting about last night’s episode of Gossip Girl, and it just wasn’t happening. So in place of our regularly scheduled iChat transcript, I offer this recap.

+ The episode takes place during one unseasonably hot September day in the city. We know this because everyone was sweating, profusely, but only the women, and only from their cleavage.

+ Blair tries to get the Lord to sleep with her, but he won’t, and it’s
not entirely clear why. I think maybe he has no genitals? (More on that

+ We find out that Dan and Serena are hiding their rekindled
relationship from people, and again, it’s not entirely clear why. Then
some girl on the street takes a photo of them kissing, sends it to
Gossip Girl, and everyone finds out. Jenny is happy because they belong
together or something. Blair is pissed because she knows that they
haven’t worked through "their issues," and I am furious, because I
still don’t even know what their issues are.

+ Nate wants to get back together with Vanessa even though he’s way
hotter than she is, but he can’t, because the Duchess is blackmailing
him, threatening to tell the FBI where his father is hiding out.

+ Some mega-creepy pre-teen girls accosted Dan and Serena on the street
to tell Dan that he shouldn’t stay with Serena. As Sharon pointed out
earlier, he’s going to sleep with all of them in five years, and he
will still be wearing that stupid hipster vest.

+ Serena and Chuck share a scene where two girls, one of them Asian,
are spotted leaving his house. Serena’s like, "Yo, wha the fuck was
that?" And Chuck says, "Just a whiff of the Far East," which is
disgusting. Then he refers to her as "Madame Butterfly," and says
nothing happened with her…

rocks the line, "There’s not a romantic bone in this body, least of all
that one."

+ Nate goes jogging on the hottest day ever and doesn’t sweat because he’s Nate and he’s not like you and me.

+ Blair had another party, which was interrupted by a blackout. We know
this because of the one shot just after a commercial break when she
appeared on-screen and said, "There’s a citywide blackout, but we have
candles," then walked away.

+ Blair and the duchess have a conversation and Blair says, "An aging
beauty enjoying her last hurrah before the surgeries start? It’s called
a cliché." Then Duchess tells Blair that if she stays with the Lord,
she’ll never experience true passion and that he’ll never make her feel
alive or something. I don’t know why she’s so down on his sex drive,
but like I said, I think it might be because he doesn’t have genitals.

+ Chuck grabs Blair and says, "What names does he call you when you make
love?" and it’s completely disgusting. Like, what is he supposed to
call her? What did Chuck call her? Why not just Blair? It seems there
are better ways to measure the relative heat of a couple’s sex life
than the names they call one another.

+ Blair gets pissed off at Chuck, and tries to get the Lord to sex her
again, but he says he can’t ‘cause there’s a blackout (and he has no
genitals). She demands that he meets her in her bedroom. She waits, he
doesn’t show.

+ BUT CHUCK DOES. And he puts on a fake British accent. Doing it ensues.

+ Serena and Dan get stuck in an elevator, producers refrain from playing
"Love in an Elevator" even once. Dan begins to glisten, as does
Serena’s cleavage, again. The lighting, in an elevator, during a
blackout, is somehow amazing.

+ Dan tries to climb through the top of the elevator to get them help,
and I get angry that he’s starting to look more super-hero than nerd.
But then he falls flat on his face and the show is saved from itself
for at least another episode. He tries to call for help, and they tell
him they’re working on it, and that they should sit tight. Serena tells
him he should have mentioned her name, which he then does, and they
tell him someone will be right over.

+ This, apparently, is their big issue: She can get them rescued from an
elevator because she’s Serena Van Der Woodsen, and it’s just too big a
hit to Dan’s suddenly very male ego? They break up. I almost weep.

+ Rufus is dating again. Jenny makes him go get sandwiches for her and
Blair’s mom because they’re working really late. Also, Rufus: Please
stop saying "the Village." No one says that.

+ The Lord walks in on Blair and Chuck, punches Chuck. Chuck appears
unphased because he is awesome. He leaves, and is shown making out with
a random girl in a limo. Random girl, it should be noted, was a
contestant on America’s Next Top Model a few seasons ago.

+ Vanessa tells Dan about the Nate/Duchess situation, and I briefly think
they’re gonna kiss. They do not, fortunately. Instead, Vanessa says, "I
can’t believe Nate Archibald is a gigolo." We can’t either, Vanessa.

And that’s pretty much it. Not a great episode all around, and not
just because the Nate/Duchess/Vanessa storyline is getting more play
than Dan and Serena. There was a pretty severe shortage of snappy
one-liners, most notably from Blair. Next week looks promising, though,
with Dan and Serena both starting to date other people and treating
each other like total jerks.

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