Sex, Lies and Scandal: Home From the Hamptons

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09/09/2008 3:00 PM |

Sharon: Vanessa is officially my new favorite character. And not just because she’s my iChat icon.

Mike: Vanessa is either going to kill herself or fuck Rufus, I decided.

Sharon: I, too, was getting a weird vibe from her and the Ruf. He’d better lay off. But no, that image of her with the candles and the Chinese food — waiting for Pretty Boy, who was in a town car with Old Lady.

Mike: I know. It was sad. Also sad? That yellow outfit she was wearing in the one scene with Rufus at the ridiculous new coffee shop she opened over the summer?

Sharon: Heinous. It was trying to be deconstructed, lemon yellow fierce, but it wasn’t. It was unflattering, ill-cut, and a pox on the wardrobe department. (DID THEY GET YOUR LETTER?!)

Sharon: Rufus is the cheesiest bastard this side of Dawson’s Creek, I’ve gotta say.

Mike: Hold up, hold up. That’s not true, and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop being mean to Rufus.

Sharon: I wanted to punch my TV when he was ogling that summer fridge collage Dan and Jenny made.

Mike: Do you know what Rufus passed up last night? Because he loves
his children? He passed up a tour with Tanya Donnelly, former
frontwoman of 90s indie-rock superstars Belly, whose “Feed the Tree”
might be the best song of the entire decade.

Mike: That, Sharon, is love.

Sharon: No, the best song of the entire decade was Lisa Loeb’s “Stay”
as evidenced by her winsome cameo last season. And yes, I totally went
there and brought up last season! I can’t STOP.

Mike: I’ve been particularly fond of the 90s alt-rock namedropping —
if you remember, this tour Rufus just got back from was with Luscious
Jackson.

Sharon: One last thing about the songs… was the use of LCD
Soundsystem’s “New York I Love You,” in the last scene, which I found–

Mike: It was wonderful, truly.

Sharon: I love that song and it makes me weep and maybe tonight I will
get Chinese food and pine over boys who are having affairs with
cougars, just like ol’ Vanny! God.

Sharon: Anyway, back to the stupid couple/stars of the show…

Mike: But, yeah, let’s talk collage. Like, what? They made a collage?

Sharon: They made a little fridge collage… it said things like
“summer ’08” and had smiley photos of Lil J and Lonely Boy being all
brotherly sisterly.

Mike: Like, who are we supposed to believe did that? Dan? Jenny?
Didn’t Jenny leave behind the part of her life where she’d do stupid
shit like that? I thought so. And Dan was fucking groupies the whole
time, so it wasn’t him.

Sharon: No, no, she’s gone back to being her old pre-mini-Blair self. And somehow it was him, Mike!

Mike: But… I think they botched her storyline a bit. She was
manipulative and cunning with the designer boss lady, which isn’t old
Jenny at all. I don’t know.

Mike: Ok, we’ve skipped too far ahead. Serena and Dan: FUCKING DISGUSTING.

Sharon: They made me sick.

Mike: See, I had to sorta take a look at myself, too, and try to
figure out why I like this show so much, Because I really, really think
Serena’s a total fox, yet when they showed the crazy, gratuitous shot
of her boobs while she was getting dressed on the beach, I was like,
“AH! Serena!!!! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON FASTER!!!”

Sharon: PUT THEM AWAY, S.

Mike: I know. I didn’t come to any conclusions, but there it is. I surprised myself.

Sharon: I know. I was thinking, WHAT WOULD THE SISTERHOOD OF THE
TRAVELING PANTS SAY?! They would say, Put them away! And put your pants
back on! And draw on them!

Mike: I don’t even know what that means, because I’ve never seen those
movies, but you’re LOLing, so I’ll take your word for it.

Sharon: But, you know what, Dan is really bothering me. I am beginning
to find him horribly irksome… Like, he started out as the dream nerd
boy, right? Sarcastic, a little bit unsure of himself… and now, what?
Now, it’s not a short story, it’s a NOVEL. It’s not “You are the
perfect girl for me, Serena,” it’s, “Maybe we should think about this!”

Mike: Well, he doesn’t want to fuck it up, so that’s smart, obviously.
But that that’s the thing — too smart, not desperate and pathetic – or
lonely — enough.

Sharon: No, no… It’s not that, it’s that he’s thinking he wants to see who else he can bone.

Mike: Right, Dan is getting off-track. Though it was great when he said, “Hello Lord, I’m Dan Humphrey”

Sharon: Yes, that was good… also all the plays on Chuck Bass’s name.
“You Basshole!” Do you think they thought of this in advance?

Mike: They had to. I noticed that about Blair last night — and I don’t
know if it was like this last season, but she’s turned into a one-liner
machine.

Sharon: I so completely agree. I was thinking that as well.

Mike: “OH MY EFFING GOD.”

Mike: “As long as you know your arse from your Arsenal.”

Sharon: “Your work is flawless.”

Mike: Wait, we need to talk about the actual plot getting completely out of hand.

Sharon: Oh, right, the plot! I forgot I watched for any reason other
than to take my disenchantment with nerdy dream boys out on Dan and
long for Blair’s headbands… let’s discuss!

Mike: It’s worrying me — was last night the first sign of GG going the way of the O.C.?

Sharon: I think it was, good sir… and you know that would be
terrible. Because the O.C., as we all know, was phenomenal only in its
first, completely self-aware season… and then went completely
:ALKWJ;lja;sdljf;alsd! This cannot happen again!

Mike: Right, and I think the signs are there — even Gossip Girl
herself. I feel like her role has changed. Rather than starting
trouble, it’s as if she’s just sitting there being appalled by them the
same we are, unable to even keep track herself.

Mike: Question: Seriously, how much money could that fucking burlesque
club possibly be worth, if Chuck’s shares in it are enough to save
Nate’s family?

Sharon: I know. You can’t live like an Archibald off of that… But Bass is slimy, he has his ways…

Mike: I loved his maroon suit.

Sharon: I think you should be Chuck Bass for Halloween. I’ll just walk
around calling you a MotherChucker! And everyone will delight in you.

Mike: I do too. Sadly, I think Rufus would come more easily to me.

Sharon: Oh, don’t be that way! You can pull off Chuck. Of course, I’m
going to be Eric. Either him or Grandma Whatever The Fug. With her
dewy, post-illness skin and her healed soul.

Mike: She was absent last night. As was Jenny, for the most part. And I was gonna say Pete Cambell, but that’s another show.

Sharon: I know… OKAY FINE I REALLY WANT TO BE BLAIR. OKAY? I even started shopping for headbands at Claire’s. Now, stop tormenting me!

Sharon: I don’t understand why Cougar is so weirdly possessive about the Lord.

Mike: Yeah, the whole situation is a lot to handle. I don’t understand
why dude was panting so much after playing squash. I couldn’t figure
out if it was bad mixing or bad acting, but I couldn’t focus.

Sharon: I found their sweaty mugs quite distracting.

Sharon: Oh! And why the hell did they have GG’s voiceover over the part
where Lord gave Chuck his home number? Did you notice that? As if it
were a real number that WE WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW. OMG.

Sharon: (Although, obvs, I would have called it…)

Mike: So she could say “bromance,” obviously.

Mike: Gossip Girl had no good lines last night. Such a letdown. There was that “Good Lordy, look who’s 40″ one, but meh.

Sharon: This morning I was quite pleased with last night’s showing, but now I’m just disappointed all over again.

Mike: Well, for me, it was a really good episode — lots of fun, tons
of good lines. I mean, humorless, humorless Nate even had that amazing
line about how the best-case scenario between him and the duchess was
that he’d be Blair’s father in law.

Mike: But it makes me worry about the direction they’re taking. If
they can keep this up, it’ll be fine, but I just don’t know if they can.

Sharon: Exactly. I’m thinking of it like the one-year mark in a potentially very serious relationship.

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