So, What’d I Miss?

by |
09/26/2008 3:09 PM |

An ichat conversation between Mark Asch and Sharon Steel.

MA: Jesus, i go uptown for a press screening i find out when i get back that the treasury secretary is going down on one knee before the speaker of the house and everybody’s going nuts
SS: a lot happened while you were at the moviefilm!
MA: the world has gone mad
SS: you should write about how nobody can afford to leave their computers anymore
SS: we need our blogs and our front page newses fed into our brainz
MA: well i’ve long said that soon we will all have microchips implanted in the bases of our necks… also, washington mutual?
SS: wa-mu!
SS: it’s like the cry of a dying cow
MA: i blame the decision to start charging ATM fees
SS: i refuse to fall victim to those. i will go to a bank of america five miles away if i have to.
MA: soon you won’t have to walk, that will be the only bank left

SS: but hey, russia just loaned venezuela $1 billion
SS: for weapons!
MA: oh they did?
SS: yeah it’s like the game of what we can do while the americans freak out over their banks
MA: oh, right, i saw that
MA: hey:
MA: so
MA: there is a debate, which is interesting
SS: wait, hang on
SS: in my drunken stupor, my etsy post got posted by jonny
SS: i hate my life.
MA: oh, oops
MA: saw that
SS: do you know how to fix that?
SS: or do i have to delete all the shit of the shit fuck damn bitch mother fuck?
MA: focus
MA: debate
SS: okay
MA: which i believe was merely a ruse to get obama tired and wired and exasperated
MA: but anyway
SS: you really think it was a ruse?
SS: that is so shady
MA: well, that would give a lot of credit for forethought
MA: but, like, wacky forethought, like meticulously planning out a sequence of events that, to all outside eyes, makes no logical sense
MA: like, i will have this debate after i fix the economy, oops i broke the plan to fix the economy, now i will say that the economy is fixed enough for me to have the debate
MA: and you can actually see the smoke coming out of obama’s ears
MA: he wants to look like the calm one
MA: i dunno, it’s the same as with all crafty old people
MA: senile and illogical and impulsive like a fox
SS: i feel like your yes man here, but i’m inclined to believe in what you’re saying mostly because only illogical and impulsive behavior could explain the recent turn of events
SS: also, i really like conspiracies!
MA: it’d be like if nixon knew that, next to kennedy, he would look shifty-eyed and sweaty and unshaven, so he just randomly… took kennedy out whoring the night before the debate or something just so they’d both look hungover as shit
MA: that’s not an entirely analogous hypothetical
SS: and made marilyn monroe sit in his lap
SS: and then, camera time!
MA: yes, exactly… see, now instead of “crusty old man who calls his wife a cunt vs. young, polished lawyer and teacher”, it’s “crusty old man etc. vs. exasperated father of two young daughters who has had it up to here with all these shenanigans”
MA: he even made him fly around from the campaign to washington to mississippi, just so he would be cranky (and less gleaming) from having been on an airplane all the damn time
SS: yes but it seems like obama is the only one who knows what’s going on, peppering the committees with questions while mccain takes in some open-eyed naptime or whatever the geriatrics do at these meetings
MA: yeah, apparently mccain just sat there, forging consensus with his mind
SS: oh my g, totally
SS: he’s so old he’s in the future
SS: and he is capable of mind-bendies
MA: wait, i was starting to lol, but then i started trying to think if that makes sense
SS: it doesn’t!
SS: just believe it, like you believe in the bailout
MA: would being old make you in the future?
MA: oh, the bailout
MA: yeah, the maneuvering here is kind of amazing, as jonny pointed out, pretty much aligning the democratic delegation with Bush
SS: i know! i got so confused this morning just reading about what was going on.
SS: whatshisface KNEELING before pelosi
MA: that’s my favorite
SS: and her being all, hey, we like the plan! the republicans don’t!
MA: also, when I saw the bush quote on the ryan adams post i was not entirely sure that that was not a joke
MA: but it was not
MA: he really does talk like he’s in a movie, all the time
SS: i know. i always laugh to myself about how he has nicknames for reporters, like “stretch” if they’re tall.
MA: i know, he should have been the lead rider on a cattle drive
MA: (to someplace so fucking far away, like Spain)
SS: yeah, he can wear leather chaps emblazoned with dollar signs
MA: chaps
MA: going to linger on that image for a minute, because no article of clothing yet invented by humans is sillier than chaps
SS: it’s true.
SS: but don’t give the people any ideas — they might start wearing THEM instead of pants.
MA: they are almost pants
SS: but they are not pants, mark. as we both well know.
MA: i mean, they have no butt, but they are closer to pants than many other articles of clothing that people wear instead of pants
MA: i dunno
SS: yes, but they are not, nor can they ever be, a replacement for pants. but back to politics, this isn’t a fashion blog, mark!
MA: no, no it’s not, as our commenters are quick to remind us
MA: (what kind of blog is it, then? i wish someone would tell us)
SS: (it’s a blog for 14 year old girls who live in upstate ny and watch the disney channel. duh!)
MA: oh, right
MA: well technically that’s who runs the internet, as well as the consumer-driven american mass media
SS: you are so right. al gore’s vision has been stolen from him by miley cyrus! but yes, back to the fuckupery
MA: but yes back to paulson proposing marriage to pelosi
MA: fluorescent light beaming beatifically off his golden bald dome
SS: oh my god, you should write a short film about it
SS: we could film it right here, right now
MA: i love how much everybody hates this bailout
MA: somebody, probably pareene or one of the wonkettes, phrased it as like “people who hate wall street bailing out wall street and people who hate socialism resorting to socialism”
SS: “urgent warnings from the president and pleas from a Treasury secretary who knelt before the House speaker and appealed for her support.”
SS: i can’t get over that.
MA: also, how she was immediately like well yeah i do already support you it’s them and he was immediately like yeah i know
MA: begging the question
MA: why kneel in front of her?
MA: was he afraid of being at the wrong end of the jocular homophobic japes of john boehner, or something?
SS: it was a show of chivalry!
SS: and also he wanted to get some!
MA: or possibly yes he wanted to bang a gavel, get it on
SS: the crash makes everybody feel like ANYTHING could happen
SS: "I didn’t know I was going to be the referee for an internal G.O.P. ideological civil war," Mr. Frank said, according to The A.P.Thursday, in the Roosevelt Room after the session, the Treasury secretary, Henry M. Paulson Jr., literally bent down on one knee as he pleaded with Nancy Pelosi, the House Speaker, not to "blow it up" by withdrawing her party’s support for the package over what Ms. Pelosi derided as a Republican betrayal.
SS: them’s loaded words, ya’ll
MA: i feel like our economy has turned into a percy sledge song
SS: i feel like now i can’t stop thinking that the dude who produces girls gone wild is going to want to make a paulson/pelosi tape
MA: on that note i think i am going to cull together a post from all this
MA: don’t worry i’ll make us look good
SS: yeah, make sure i sound really WASTED