A series of brief letters to some dudes I don’t know.
Dear Andrew Bird,
I heard you last week for the first time, and now I’m kind of definitely addicted. Is that okay to admit? I know, I’ve been living under an indie-rock. But seriously, now, where have you been all my life? Question: should I have some of the verses from ‘Plasticities’ tattooed on my arm so my co-workers will accept me, even though my mom would kill me and tell me that the New York Times is wrong and I won’t be able to be buried in a Jewish cemetery when I’m dead? It’s a real conundrum. Do you ever worry about things like that, Andrew Bird? Your witty, curious, and literary lyrics, encased in awe-inspiring pop melodies, betray the fact that you just might. Call me?
Dear Guy Who Was Making Out With His Girlfriend at the Department of Eagles Show Last Night,
Hey, so. I know I probably made you slightly uncomfortable by throwing a series of sad looks and
frowny-faces in your direction, but guess what?! According to a sign an L Magazine Gossip Girl operative saw posted outside, The Greatest Show of Our Time will be filming in DUMBO tomorrow. What does this mean? Only that I’m totally going to get Chace Crawford to
fall in <3 with me. Basically, the plan is as follows: I will drape myself aesthetically against the building where The L Magazine
is headquartered. Chace will conveniently stroll by on his break just as I’m turning a pivotal page in my copy of Anna Karenina, which I knew I
should read anyway, but only had the motivation to start because Janet Malcolm said
Nate Archibald was a “Vronsky manqué” and I wanted to fully get the joke. Chace sees me and we get into a
deep, philosophical discussion about Russian literature and fall television, and it’s all very brilliant and important. After ten minutes or so,
everything becomes abundantly clear to both of us (i.e., that we are in lurve and perfect for one another, d’uh). But Chase speaks first, because I’m shy like that. He says: “Listen, Sharon. I think you’re totally
cool and amazing and nice. And I know
i’m inhumanly good-looking and all, but I want to be your
boyfriend forever. Shall we go enjoy some English Breakfast tea? I’m
giving up drinking booze for you, by the way. But I’m doing it because I want to. Now, may I read out loud to you from my
secret book of poetry that I wrote about you before I met you? Because
sometimes, things like this really do happen, In Real Life! ALSO, that
new H&M scarf is awesome, and I’m telling you that in a
complimentary yet manly way that doesn’t at all imply I might be gay.
Trust me, I’m not. Okay, let’s go live happily ever after!”
I just thought you should know, Guy Who Was Making Out With His
Girlfriend at the Department of Eagles Show Last Night, that my life is
about to change.
Dear Henry Paulson,
Can you get down on bended knee in front of Nancy Pelosi again, but this time, with cameras filming you and the Backstreet Boys singing their ‘I Want It That Way’ ballad of tears in the background? Because that would just be so perfect. Also, can I have my share of the $700 billion back? I don’t trust you! Nobody does! Hah hah. Thanks, brah.