Dear So and So: The American Dream Edition

by |
10/27/2008 12:00 PM |

A series of letters to people I don’t know.

Dear Tifanie White,

Was this what you dreamed of during your first day at beauty school?

I know you were kinda last week’s news, but I can’t quite get over you or that picture of you in your snazzy yellow blouse and black vest, deftly applying face powder to John McCain skulking forehead. Basically, I just really want to know whether you are actually physically able to stare into his eyes while you’re pasting some cake-like foundation and blush onto his sagging jowls. Or, you know, if his handlers told you not to look directly into them, for fear that you’ll, um, turn into a spitting lizard-demon?

Also, I think it’s great that you spell your name with one “f” and an “ie” at the end. It’s very Saved By the Bell. You’re okay in my book, Tif. Keep on keepin’ on.

Dear Ashley Todd,

Good gracious gravy, Ashley. Seriously. SER-I-OUSLY. What? Why? You DO realize how mirrors work, don’t you? That when you CARVE A LETTER onto your FACE in a refelctive surface — instead of getting some other McCain minion to help you in your idiotic mission of lies — it comes out backwards. Right? Holy pwoar, here is what Wonkette’s Ken Layne had to say about that wee stunt you pulled:

“This isn’t the sad tale of some tragic
loser who makes up a story to get attention or whatever. This evil
little troll made a cold, calculated effort to give Pennsylvania to her
candidate and her party leader, John McCain, with a foul racist fantasy deliberately constructed to horrify white people who had slowly been won over by Barack Obama. I hope she lives a hundred years and that nobody ever forgets her hideous stunt.”

Hah, wow. People are so tired of hating on John McCain that a lot of them seem to be transferring their unspeakable rage onto you! That must suck. It’s kind of hard to feel sorry for you, given that this was a quote on your MySpace page: “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her cloths (sic) off, but its better if you do.”

So, a couple of unsolicited recommendations: You should start listening to a lot of Elliott Smith and wallow in your heinousness for a little while. When you’re feeling better, you should NOT, NEVER, not even CONSIDER writing a book about this experience. Do not start a blog. Just disappear for awhile and attempt to reenter society with a new haircut and a fresh lease on life after reforming yourself at some spa in the Himalayas. In the meantime, maybe you should ask Tifanie to help you cover up that scar with some of Johnny’s special make-up. Bet she knows some good tricks!