Turning Words Into Hundos

by |
10/02/2008 11:30 AM |

Yesterday, the publishing industry was begging Tina Fey to write a book and heaping deals on in-the-know economists primed to personally capitalize on our craptastic fiscal fucktitude. But none of those literary newbs are rich quite yet, because Backstreet Boy On Bended Knee Paulson has all our taxes in a Christmas stocking he hung above his fireplace.

Oh, except for the writer-people who are already wiping their bums with Ben Franklins, that is. Today we learn who the best paid authors are right now, this very moment. “There’s still plenty of money to be made in the business of books,” says Forbes. This is an absurd statement nobody should believe unless they are on the list, which is so obvious and tiresome I just fell asleep with my eyes open. J.K. Rowling takes the prize for earning $300 million, and she’s throwing moldy crumpet crumbs down on losers like James Patterson, Stephen King, Tom Clancey, and Daniel Steel.

If I sound harsh it’s just
because I’m still angry with Rowling for making the kindly librarian fanboy sob in court. We can’t all be as brilliant or as ruthless — such is the plight of geniuses — although! We can all be bloggers, and maybe earn a few
pennies off our typey types through GoogleSense ads. Slate explained it all in completely mind-blowing feature titled “Blogging for Dollars.” They also point out some of the PITFALLS (this time, death wasn’t a risk factor). It’s something far more insidious:

Once a blog hobbyist goes pro, he or she faces a daily pressure to
churn out new material. In the wrong mind, that can lead to top-10
lists, recycled ideas, half-baked notions, lots of viral videos, and a
general increase in information pollution. Is there any way out of this
scenario?

Hah hah, kind of like how tons of magazines run variations of the same lists and
charticles over and over again, and how this very story has been written fifty times before? Information pollution! At least the online version doesn’t waste precious trees. We are making the tubes filthy! Put on your masks! Oh wait, more silly stuff:

Do we get the blogs we deserve? We vote by click, after all. Perhaps we
shouldn’t look at all those top 10 lists and Britney Spears photos.
Successful blogs, such as Zen Habits,
tend to balance the more fast-food type posts with longer, more complex
ideas that will presumably keep readers coming back—although there are
plenty of people who make a living posting dubious crap.

Yes, the way to solve this crisis of vapid blogs people enjoy is to encourage readers to just cease reading them. After all, this is how you get people to READ BOOKS, isn’t it? By taking away the ones that aren’t considered classics? Go hang out with Harold Bloom. This sounds about as cognizant as the hysterical demands made by Sarah Palin’s assistant Ivy Frye, who asked a Wasilla blogger to STOP BLOGGING about the governor, lolz. Well, I guess we’d all better buy a punishing mouse-device that will send painful electricity into our bodies when we visit People.com in order to keep the level of quality up. That should do the trick. Um, and if you have WWTDD in your bookmarks, you should probably be put in a coma. Down with the “dubious crap” that is infecting everyone with the blogosphere version of the avian flu! Which begs the question: everyone knows Palin reads every single newspaper in
existence
, but I would like to know where she’s clicking. Has anyone
introduced her to Dooce? New favorite for Ms. Maverick, I think.