Who Is More Depressed: Straight Single Cat Men or Giant Turtle Who Can’t Get Knocked Up

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10/08/2008 1:07 PM |

Sniff sob gasp weep! You think you are sad? Someone is always sadder. I tell you the facts, and in the comments, you vote on who is more depressed while a single, solitary tear slides down your cheek. This week: cat boys vs. a spawn-less geriatric turtle who is about to be extinct!

The dudes profiled in Abby Ellin’s unbelievably dubious Sunday Styles trend piece, “Sorry, Fido, It’s Just A Guy Thing,” which about straight, mostly single guys who like kitties, must really be regretting giving her their real names right about now! They will probably get some dates, but their bro-pals will make their lives miserable for the rest of forever, I think. Note the picture of the man to the right! I am extremely happy for him that he is married, because, um, good lord.

There’s also Adam Fulrath, who had the pleasure of being Ellin’s lead-in to her magically devoid of data story.

Mr. Fulrath, a 37-year-old design director at Time Out New York,
keeps five photographs of Parappa, a shorthaired, bicolored,
mixed-breed cat, on his desktop. He knows that it might be considered a
little weird that a grown man would be so enamored with his kitty, but
Mr. Fulrath, who is into video games and comic books and calls himself
a "straight, geeky guy," doesn’t care.

"She’s my primary relationship," he said.

I give up on parsing that paragraph, it’s just too full of awful zing. Next up, an enormous turtle who is having ish with the baby-making. Because she is hella elderly. And wasn’t eating properly.

Well, it starts out nice and feel good:

The fate of the Yangtze giant soft-shell turtle seems especially
uncertain because only one female is known to exist — an 80-year-old
turtle with a leathery shell that lived without notice for a half
century inside a zoo in Changsha, the capital of Hunan Province, in
southern China. Only when scientists discovered her existence last year
did it become clear that a chance remained to save her species.

They “paired” her (read: pimped her OUT, woooooo!) with a male of the same species, the turtles got it on (woooooo!), and a hundred lil’ baby eggs popped out (awwww!) Except. The embryos all died in early development, which one Turtle Expert Person says was because our lovely Old Ms. Turtle was fed a nasty diet of raw beef and pork instead of fish and crayfish, d’uh. Now, no babies until next year — unless she maybe kicks the bucket. Although, ruh roh, apparently Jamie Lynn has another bun in the oven, so maybe she ought to win this pity party. What say you?

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