Sex Advice from a Goose: Interference, Offense

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11/24/2008 10:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I am a 28-year-old hetero male. My masturbatory needs over the past several years have pushed the limits of social and perhaps legal acceptability. It seems I can’t get off unless I’m doing something quasi wrong. However politically incorrect it is to call it "wrong," it started with simple interracial porn. From there I graduated to jacking it from my apartment window, which had a clear view of the beach and bare skin (but I was hidden as I did the deed). The greatest length to which this habit progressed was jerking it in the faculty bathroom of the public high school I was working in at the time. There are times when just trying on a pair of jeans in a flimsy dressing room gets the juices flowing. Am I a ticking time bomb? Should I volunteer myself to jail now and save myself the ordeal or is this some standard shit that you hear all the time and aren’t even interested in?

Dear sir, the solution to your problem is so simple I am surprised the normally perspicacious Ms. Ference did not think of it: replace all your windows with one-way mirrors like they have in police interrogation rooms.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I’m a 39-year-old bi female. I’m somewhat new to the anal experience. So far, assplay for me involves two fingers. I’m not yet ready for monster cocks/dildos, buttplugs or anal beads the size of tennis balls. How do I let a potential partner know this without turning him/her off or hurting their feelings?

Ma’am, humble goose that I am, I am rather fascinated by the emphasis, among sex-having people of your species, on butts ‘n’ stuff.

For one thing, we have wings, and so it is hard to really do much with butts. Or, indeed, stuff.

Also, you are perhaps familiar with the phrase “like shit through a goose”? Colloquial expressions don’t just happen, as I am sure you are aware.