Oh, Rivers.

by |
12/04/2008 6:00 PM |

Remember when the thought of Weezer didn’t make you want to jab a sharp spork into your eardrum and continue to do so until you destroyed it?

Those were the days. We still look back on our fervent middle-school devotion to the Weez fondly, although we will never, ever, ever forgive Rivers Cuomo for what he did post-Pinkerton. This mediocre shadow of a rock group, however, is still around, writing and releasing their piss-poor excuses for records and trying to pretend they didn’t ruin our perception of everything that was good about alternative pop music back in 1994.

Cuomo, that Harvard educated, formerly chaste bastard (we are mean because we were once so hopelessly in love) actually has the gall to release a solo album of demos, B-sides, and other random ass stuff he titled Alone II. To celebrate he recently hosted an acoustic “Hootenany” jam session — it’s, like, his new favorite thing to do, apparently, why won’t he stop and let our pain finish dying down? — with fans in Long Beach, CA, and SPIN.com has a video documenting the event.

We couldn’t finish watching the whole thing, because our cerebral cortex almost exploded from the memories of what once was, listening to those kids talk about “In the Garage” and how the nerd lyrics made them so desperately want to learn to play guitar. (Boy do we ever know.) So we turned the volume off, then, yet got far enough to see the former object of our obsessive affection seated in a room wearing an outfit that resembled… yes, it was a train conductor’s uniform. Why? Baffling. Incidentally, we were reminded of Ringo Starr’s conductor costume, which he wore
during his dubious turn on the beloved children’s PBS show Shining Time
. Again, HUH? It was not Halloween, was it?

Our heart breaks. This is what has become of him.