Sex 2008: Year in Review

01/07/2009 12:00 AM |

Dear Reader,
I’d planned to do one of these year-in-review thingies for the Year-End Issue, but I ended up getting a compelling, time-sensitive question, so it seemed the right thing was to answer it ASAP. Don’t worry, though, I haven’t forgotten 2008… Please find below my look back at the year in sex.

January 1:
A new year begins. A nation searches blearily for its pants as it tries to sneak away without waking up whoever that is lying next to them. A nation then tries to remember what trains go to Bushwick /whether Duane Reade sells morning after pills/how far a decent Bloody Mary is from here.

March 10: Client 9’s chickens come home to roost. Corporate fat-cats bathe in schadenfreude as they watch admittedly sanctimonious Governor Spitzer try and talk his way out of a prostitution scandal.

April 25-29: Miley Cyrus gets in trouble for being photographed kinda sorta topless in Vanity Fair. People who were apparently never themselves 15 are shocked by the idea that someone that age could be sexual. Non-tweens realize that this person is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, a man they thought was gone forever, and are vaguely unsettled.

June 29: Transman Thomas Beatie gives birth. Headline writers finally get to flex their creative muscles with gems such as “He’s having a baby!” and “An Unexpected Pregnancy.”

August 8-24: Michael Phelps induces boners in men and women the world over with his suggestively saggy wetsuit and rock-hard twenty-four pack.

August 28: David Duchovny goes to rehab for sex addiction, just like his character in Zoolander.

September 24: Clay Aiken comes out, despite having recently reproduced. It is a confusing year for the one-man-one-woman people.

November 4: A nation celebrates the triumph of hope over cynicism by getting shitfaced and fucking some random dude with an Obama pin. It is morning in America, and we are wearing the same clothes we were yesterday.

November 4: Prop 8 in California and anti-gay legislation in Florida and Arizona pass. Nana, I know you like to watch those Will and Grace reruns. What is the matter with you?

Thanksgiving-New Year’s Eve:
During the holiday season, like every holiday season, much booze-fueled sex happened.

Ok, now, as advertised, here are my predictions for Sex Trends in 2009:

1.Recession! Can’t have a 2009 prediction column without talking about the recession. I predict the amount of fucking in apple carts and/or on bread lines will rise dramatically, while sales of diamond clit rings and champagne bought for the sole purpose of spraying on a girl’s tits will suffer. Prostitution, stripping and smut peddling will remain lucrative as we fuck the pain away. Daddy’s always got money for a little of the sweet stuff, baby.

2. Massive jugs, hot asses, tight pussies and large dicks will remain popular.

3. You, the reader, will get laid. Yes, you! I can just feel it: 2009 is going to be your year. Whether a lonely ex in a moment of weakness, a drunk co-worker or just some stranger at one of those sad bars you go to, you’re going to get some. So wash your junk extra-good, shave your areas and put your sex-having underpants on — eternal vigilance is the price of blowjobs.

And with that, I bid you all a lovely year. Please do drop me a line with any sex questions you run up against in your ill-advised holiday revels. Have fun and be safe.