Sex Advice from a Goose: More Lube, Less Intertubes

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01/26/2009 10:00 AM |

Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Back in college, I had a boyfriend who traveled one summer on a Fulbright. Before he left I had my girlfriend snap a few Polaroids of me wearing little to nothing. I slipped the images into his journal. It was exhilarating for me and I know it was exhilarating for him.

That was then and this is now. My current boyfriend (different one) wants to make a sex tape. I am reluctant. With all of the ex-girlfriend photos on the web and the release of so many sex tapes, I think of my career and the damage/humiliation something like this would create if in the wrong hands. (I’m not famous so it would not be on Page Six). Audrey, am I too paranoid? Or should I drop my inhibitions, along with my clothes, and do it?

Ooh, a Fulbright. I am so impressed that you used to date someone who traveled on a Fulbright! You must, by the transitive property of racy sexy secrets, also be quite impressive. With that in mind, your sex tape, which you have almost certainly gone ahead and made by now but never mind.

I’m going to say, to you and actually to everyone else out there: don’t make a sex tape. Or, well. Tape yourself having sex all you want, I can see that being pretty sexy. But don’t ever watch the tape. The cold harsh objectivity of digital photography is not something you are going to want to subject yourself to. Blemishes! Rolls! Where you’ve definitely never noticed any before! You will end up finding both your own and your partner’s body repulsive, then and forever after.

Also, have you ever actually seen your own O-face? Trust me, you don’t want to, it’ll be thereafter very hard to imagine that whoever you’re screwing could possibly be taking you seriously.

Also, how are you anticipating shooting your sex tape? With a tripod? Yeah, I can see that being really sexy, a static medium-distance two-shot of two vague bodies that appear to be atop each other. Why don’t you just save the time and masturbate to an Andy Warhol movie?

Dear Audrey Gary,
Your last article freaked me out. I am a heterosexual male and my girlfriend and I occasionally use a strap-on; by occasionally, I mean like six or seven times a year. What can I do to avoid the horrid consequences you discussed last time? I like what we do but I don’t want to become incontinent or have ass surgery down the line. Tips?

Audrey’s given assurances that butsecks, done properly, is no more hazardous to your health than occasionally ordering that second glass of wine with dinner. So go ahead, live a little!