Sex Advice from a Goose: Toe Cramp, Brain Cramp

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02/09/2009 10:00 AM |

Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Sometimes when I’m about to have an orgasm, I get a really painful cramp in one or both feet, such that I have to stop what I’m doing and go "Ow, my foot!" and shake and/or rub it out, which pretty much ruins the moment for everyone involved. What could be causing this? Is there anything I can do to stop it? Should I just try to ignore it in the hopes that the orgasm will happen anyway and make me forget about the horrible, shooting pain in my foot?

Dear sir or madam (I genuinely do not no which! This is by far the most gender-neutral question I have ever answered!), as you can imagine I have never, in my many years of lovemaking, encountered such a problem. Because I am a goose. Because I have webbed feet. Also I am made out of wood, and not real.

Anyhoo, I dunno. If I had to guess I would say that this pre-orgasm cramp is god’s way of reminding you that if He wanted you to enjoy sex, He would have made it more like Parcheesi.