Sex Advice from a Goose: “Price Check on Extra-Small Condoms?”

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03/23/2009 8:00 AM |

Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
So I’ve been seeing this guy for the better part of three months. No complaints about the sex itself, however the rubbers he’s been using (several types, all normal size) keep slipping off. Frankly, I’m not too happy about having to remember to slip my hand down to the scene of the crime while we’re at it just to make sure his jammies are still on. I mean, it makes me seem paranoid for one thing, but it’s also just unnerving. So my question is, have you ever heard of small (as opposed to regular or cucumber-sized) condoms? I realize condom makers might think that labeling their wares as "extra snug" might exacerbate the stigma of small dicks, but this is kind of a serious issue that I’d prefer solving with mild embarrassment at the drugstore over suddenly realizing I’m pregnant — or infected with something.

Dear madam, or sir, it is remarkably sensitive and judicious of you, how you make the issue the practical one of condom size and sexual difficulties, while deftly sidestepping mention of your partner’s sad little Mike and Ike-sized dick. You seem like a real catch, is what I’m saying, so it’s no surprise that your gentlemen friend is so afraid that you’ll find out he has a small penis and leave him.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Up until recently, I had only been with girls. Now my boyfriend wants to try fisting, but I’m not used to big hands like his — can I actually be injured or will my body adjust?

Wait, you want your boyfriend to punch you during sex? That sounds potentially more physically hurtful than your standard-issue S&M, but I suppose if you’re careful about safe words, have a lot of ice handy, and stick mostly to body blows rather than head shots, than it should be ok to… What? Oh. Oh.