The L Magazine’s MLB Preview

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04/06/2009 12:39 PM |

Happy Opening Day, everyone. (This post will repeat tomorrow, when it is not raining and there is actually baseball.)

Here at The L Magazine’s Hot Steamy Predictions for the 2009 baseball season:

NL East: Mets end run of wrenching late-season collapses due to shored-up bullpen, David Wright’s courageous and legend-making mid-season decision to grow a mustache (pictured).

AL East: The new Yankee stadium collapses the night before the Yankees home opener.

AL East in Second Life: Curt Schilling unretires, wins 22 games, feasts on blood of Second Life Julio Lugo.

NL Central: Some asshole with a Bluetooth makes slightly less money scalping Cubs tickets than he did last year, because of the economy.

AL Central: Energized by a motley collection of unknowns — a flamethrowing chick-magnet closer with a criminal record; a flashy speedster; a Santaria-practicing cleanup hitter — and anchored by an aging catcher, the Cleveland Indians shock the world and win the division.

NL West: The Dodgers win the division with 86 wins, because the NL West is woeful. Manny Ramirez starts bringing snacks out to left field at Dodger Stadium, because why the fuck not?

AL West: The day after his induction to baseball’s Hall of Fame, Rickey Henderson is persuaded by Billy Beane to unretire and claim starting LF job for Oakland As; puts up OBP of .375; prepares for each game by standing naked in front of a full-length mirror, swinging a bat, saying, “Rickey’s the best.”