Golf’s US Open, which starts tomorrow, will for the second time be held on the Black course at Long Island’s Bethpage State Park, the first municipal course to ever host the tournament. L Magazine music editor (and 12 handicap!) Mike Conklin has played at Bethpage many times, though he’s never slept in his car and woken up early enough for a tee time at the Black course. BUT, he will be attending the US Open on Friday.
In the Times, John Branch recaps the unprecedented rowdiness — which upset widdle countwee cwub babies like Davis Love III — that defined the 2002 US Open at Bethpage, and leads his piece with a story from yesterday’s practice round, about “someone yell[ing] at Vijay Singh on the third green, complimenting his posterior in bold, succinct language.” (It’s true, Vijay Singh does have a nice ass.)
So, whom should Mike Conklin heckle at the US Open on Friday, and how? The beginning of some suggestions, after the jump:
“Hey, Tiger, you’re a grown man who still goes by a nickname most of us outgrow by the age 9!”
“Phil Mickelson, you are fat. Your swollen stomach brings to mind a pregnant woman, and when you are old you shall have jowls. Fat fat fatty McFatfat.”
“Brandt Snedeker, you couldn’t fade a five-iron from a half-buried lie to save the life of your dear old mother who loves you so.”
“Yo, Geoff Ogilvy, golf is a bourgeois pastime.”
“Nice polo shirt, asshole.” (Works for anyone.)
Your own suggestions are, of course, appreciated, perhaps even necessary. Help Mike be a rowdy New Yorker!