The NY Post is reporting that Simon Cowell has been offered $144 million to continue his role as lead judge on American Idol. There’s no denying, obviously, that were he to leave the show, there would basically be no show, but this is sort of a lot of money. So as a service to the good people at Fox, I’ve put together a list of possible replacements for the famously grumpy Brit, should the two parties be unable to reach an agreement.
Bret Michaels: He’s experienced a resurgence of late, thanks to the absurd and depressing Rock of Love franchise, so he’s got that going for him, and I think Paula’s breasts are fake (or at least super creepy), so he’ll probably be really into that.
John Norris: Yes, I would be willing to sacrifice our newest contributor for the good of the show and the world. The former face of MTV News knows everything, is comfortable on camera, can be sort of bitchy, and he’s super recognizable.
Perez Hilton: If only because he wouldn’t stand for the subtly homophobic comments Ryan Seacrest is always making.
Sasha Frere Jones: Sure, he lacks that certain star-quality producers are probably looking for, but dude will describe the shit out of each contestant, just moments before calling them racist.
That Kid from Lord of the Rings: Remember how Elijah Wood was all, “Oooh, look at me, I really like bland indie rock and I’m super rich, so I’m gonna start a record label.” Yeah, I imagine he’s available.
Justin Timberlake: Because of how badly I want to hear him say, “Stop copying me, and by the way, not wearing hats is the new wearing hats, idiot. Also, nice fucking vest.”
Spencer Tweedy: Ok, fine, I’m actually just hoping he sees this, then links to it on his blog.