Oh Yeah, Deadly Swine Flu

06/09/2009 3:07 PM |

1206/1244574390-flying-pigs.jpgNo matter what happens with Swine Flu at this point, the media is tired of the story and tired of your panic. People are dying, it’s getting worse and, apparently, the World Health Organization is on the brink of declaring it the WORST POSSIBLE OUTBREAK EVER, a Phase 6 pandemic or something. Phase 6 is like level 1 is like code red is like hitting a home run is like going all the way.

I suppose the good news is that out of 126,000 cases, only 140 people have died, which makes getting swine flu safer than getting in a car. (I’m pretty sure, anyway; I always use the car example because apparently it’s statistically more dangerous to get in a car than it is to do just about anything — except maybe guerilla warfare.)

One Comment

  • If swine flu, according to my own maladroit approach to humor, is a direct indication of hell having frozen over, then perhaps a couple of history’s grand conjectures have been enlivened — dare I say ironically? — by the .001% death rate of said malady.

    So, a couple things to ponder:

    1. Leaving aside considerations regarding hell’s (read: Hell’s) actual existence, and leaving aside considerations regarding its potential to exist anywhere besides somewhere beneath the earth’s crust, if it has in fact become a monolithic block of ice thanks to pigs acquiring the capacity to take flight, then what, praytell, might that mean for global warming? I know, a trite discussion to bring up given that the not-yet-hot-as-fuck summer we’ve been enjoying (begrudgingly?) has turned cheeky doubts regarding global warming into common enough parlance to sooner or later become the next idea font for a new series of Ketel One billboards (if not the next idea font for a new ‘book’ by a certain Malcolm Gladwell, who might use the generally flippant ways in which we kid around about global warming to ‘prove’ and/or ‘argue’ and/or ‘suggest for the very first time’ that sometimes human beings prefer to deal with large matters somewhat beyond their control by resorting to simple modes of humor that actually — ‘who’da thunk?’ — mask a degree of sincere concern), but a germane one nonetheless. The simple conclusion: If hell has frozen over, then maybe global warming isn’t real after all. The mildly more interesting: If hell has frozen over, then global warming has already been worse and faster than we were told, to the extent that it’s already over and the dawn of the next ice age has already, ummm, dawned. The slightly more than mildly interesting one: Earth has a mind of her own, and she decided that pigs flying around and killing people (so to speak) at the dismal rate of .001% was fucked up enough to just end things, so she’s giving us the sign by eating enough ice cream (imported from the moon, where astronauts live and make frozen treats out of cold dust) to keep her entrails consistently frozen. Actually, that was probably more interesting than this one, but here it is: Global warming is alive and healthy despite hell freezing over and despite today’s high of 298 (Kelvin, obviously), because although there’s no good reason for it to be true, the temperature of the earth’s innards is inversely related to the temperature of that which lies (and cheats, and steals, and hovers, like atmospheres) atop it.

    Which is to say, hell freezing over might mean that global warming is exactly what Al Gore says it is:

    A good reason to make neat graphs with Mac (TM) computers.

    2. If hell (read: Hell) has indeed frozen over, then perhaps Dante was right or at least masterfully prognosticatory when portraying its deepest reaches as an icy body of water fed by the tears of sobbing Purgatorians and maintained interminably frigid by the beating of Satan’s wings. Or maybe he was a time traveler who leaped six hundred years into the future just to incorporate that neat little factoid into the first canticle of his opus. Either way, maybe there are also the heads of traitors and so on poking up above the ice’s (read: Ice’s) surface so that anyone who happens to leisurely stroll atop might kick one in the ear, then pull its hair and say mean things to it, just like Il Poeta did way back in the day (or now, time travel pending).

    And here’s an additional couplet of questions:

    If hell is freezing or already frozen over, is cryogenics a better or worse idea?

    Will the distant future feature only Walt Disney and, say, Woolly Mammoths?

    I’ll close this with another swine flu joke I came up with that, like the first one, almost everyone hates:

    An increasing number of doctors, biological researchers and epidemiologists alike have begun to draw firm parallels between swine flu and bovine fecal matter. Their reason is that both of these things stand a very good chance of being total bullshit.

    Nonetheless, I’m wearing a mask.