Fifteen Juicy Sarah Palin Resignation Rumors Currently Swarming ‘Round the Internets

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07/06/2009 1:31 PM |

b33f/1246901378-palinresignation.jpgMaybe we ought to rethink this whole “Friday news dump” principle, given the most frequent topic of conversation over the most social weekend of the year?

Yes, we should. If not for the sake of damage-controlling politicians, at least for the sake of those of us who come back into the office on Monday and are expected to be funnier than your funny friend was when you were all drunk and happy on Saturday night.

But here at the L we have a big “Win the Cycle” sign above our door that we ritualistically tap as we enter the office. And we’ve noticed that everybody seems to have their own theory as to why Sarah Palin resigned — it’s a fucking cage match of competing narratives, with media outlets trying even harder than the Palin camp to push their stotyline, or at least cover them all as a way of maintaining ownership over this pageview clusterfuck.

So, please help the L win this story! After the jump, we’ve assembled our best guesses as to The Real Reason Behind Sarah Palin’s resignation; it would be really great if you could pick one or two of these to start repeating as inside dope or outright fact to everyone you speak to.

(Needless to say, none of these would really make any less sense than whatever the real reason is.)

The Real Reason for Sarah Palin’s resignation:

1. According to rumors in Alaskan political circles, the FBI was about to announce that they were investigating allegations that, as mayor of Wasilla, Palin had used government funds to pay for the

7 Comment

  • These rumors are unfounded and preposterous! Palin’s firepower, ambition and strong will combined with her flat-out refusal to fit comfortably into convention will make this move look like a game changer as she steps onto a stage of her own making!

  • The real reason: Create a smokescreen for issues of actual material importance to U.S. and a world, assume (rightly) that the media will go along with it, hook > line > sinker > obsession. The Sarah Palin gossip industry and the recalcitrant media: not so strange bedfellows at all. Is the L staring into this abyss, or is it staring back at them?

  • The truth is that Sarah Palin died of Dysentery while trying to ford a river.

  • Honestly, I think she read that Vanity Fair piece, took a hard look at herself in the mirror, finally realized what a complete fraud she was, and had a nervous breakdown. Watching the resignation speech, it’s pretty clear to me that she was about one negative comment away from going completely coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, and the press realized this: that’s why the reigning speculative narration is that she’s “prepping for 2012″: it’s impolitic to kick a woman when she’s down, and unfounded speculation about a Comeback (the most appealing narrative in American culture) gets page-views.

  • Okay, you guys, I got it: Todd had an affair with Mrs. Johnston and Levi is his son, thus making the Levi/Bristol union pretty darn unholy. This may or may not be a plotline from canceled NBC soap opera Passions.

  • These rumors are unfounded and preposterous! Palin’s firepower, ambition and strong will combined with her flat-out refusal to fit comfortably into convention will make this move look like a game changer as she consigns herself to the footnotes in the pages of history!

    FTFY

  • nice try, DAVE, but we all know that this pit bull ain’t going nowhere but UP. try learning a little bit about REAL america and you’ll know why Palin is unstoppable.