How Many is Too Many?

07/06/2009 2:30 PM |

Dear Audrey,
I’ve been dating a guy who I’m head over heels for. He’s funny, sweet, old-fashioned and treats me like a princess. But here’s the problem — I had a sort of a misspent youth, and I’ve been with a lot of guys. Now as I said, my guy is kind of old-fashioned, and I’m not sure he’d react well — scratch this, I KNOW he wouldn’t react well — to the real number. My girlfriends tell me everyone slims down their number a bit — is this true? Or should I tell him the truth? I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t want to lose him either.

Ugh, the whole “number” thing. Really? Are we still doing this? We haven’t moved past it? Sigh. Fine. I mean look. If you want to live in a world where being treated “like a princess” is a positive, fine. Go for it, Jasmine. I’m not even going to get into the whole thing about how it seems like when some (some!) people claim they are “just old-fashioned” or “ have traditional values” that they are attempting to justify some sort of racist/sexist/homophobic/misogynistic jackassery.

It is your life, man. I hope you and Mario live happily ever after and have a million little Yoshis together or whatever. Or did Princess Peach get with Luigi? Was his stake in rescuing the Princess ever explained? They were brothers I think. I dunno. Not important.

No amount of three-way Mario Party changes the fact that you fucked more dudes than old Jasper P. Monogamy would deem appropriate for his consort. If you want to “slim down your number,” fine, but if you guys are in it for the long haul I suspect the truth will out. I’m betting he will take that information just about as well as that hambone from Clerks did when he found out his girlfriend had to temerity to blow some guy one time. (What? A Clerks reference? Ugh, sorry everyone.)

To my mind, you either tell him that the people you fucked before you met him are none of his business, or tell him the number, then tell him that the people you fucked before you met him are none of his business. Because, really, they aren’t.

Plus, and I don’t want to say your love is not meant to be, but if telling him the truth about your sexual past would lose him, perhaps you aren’t really as compatible as you think. Like if he would throw something awesome away because you banged 20 guys instead of 10, then perhaps he’s not as great a guy as you deserve.

And I don’t know you, and I don’t mean to suggest it’s incorrect to feel regrets about decisions you made as a younger woman, but that also made you the lady you are today. Having fun fucking strangers is not misspending one’s youth, in my estimation.

Dear Audrey,
Well, I won’t sugarcoat this: my girlfriend and I want to have sex all the time, even when she’s on her period. Any suggestions/tips on how to minimize the amount of blood?

Tips for clean(er) sheets:
1. Do it in the shower
2. Put down a towel
3. Anal
4. Tampon-in external finger banging
5. Keep some tissues near by, to wipe off
6. Keep the mega-fisting to a minimum
7. Try using a Diva Cup? Dunno if it’ll stay in…
8. Plastic sheeting
9. Really, just do it in the shower