So, Italian emperor Silvio Berlusconi has been besieged by scandal of late, with the Italian opposition paper and magazine La Repubblica and L’Espresso releasing tapes of audio recordings made by Patrizia D’Addario, a paid escort (paid by a business and political ally of Berlusconi, apparently) who had lots of sex with Italy’s famed orange-tinged Just for Men ad-turned-oligarch. Because journalists are the sacred keepers of the public trust, I’m going to listen to the Silvio Berlusconi sex tapes, and live-blog them.
We begin with the first round of tapes — five snippets — released at the beginning of the week and causing the subsequent firestorm.
00:07 Wow, what poor quality the audio on this tape is. All echo-y and mumbly. It’s almost as if the recording was engineered on the sly by an Italian whore.
00:23 At some point, the woman who was wearing a wire had to take her clothes off, right? How’d that work?
00:12 I just realized these are in Italian. Huh.
00:26 Have you ever actually listened to Silvio Berlusconi talk? It’s like being smothered by a pair of silk boxers. Very unsettling.
00:02 The consummation of Berlusconi and this lady’s relationship, at a sexy party at Berlusconi’s estate, happened on America’s Election Night.
00:47 Remember how in college, sometimes you and your hookup would have sex on your roommate’s bed, for laughs? Apparently Silvio Berlusconi does that to Vladimir Putin all the time.
00:56 Oooh, nice mood music. If I was a whore being paid to go to bed with the most powerful man in the Mediterranean, I would be very aroused right now.
1:00 I know you think I’m not really listening to the tapes, that I’m just typing whatever jokes in the style of someone liveblogging. But I really am listening to these as I’m writing this.
1:15 I took six years of Latin, you know.
2:00 Alas, there was never a chapter of the Ecce Romani books that include as part of its vocab list the Latin words for “threesome” and “envelope filled with cash.” Though I always had my suspicions about Aurelia.
00:10 Damn, those are some cigarette-damaged post-coital voices.
00:49 You remember how for the previous eight years, the worst thing was knowing that Bush actually represented what a lot of Americans, maybe most Americans, really were like, and really wanted in a leader? Ok. Now, imagine if Bush represented a culture of often historically entrenched, often murderous criminal corruption (instead of crony capitalism). And owned the Philadelphia Phillies. And also owned the Washington Post, the LA Times, and Newsweek. And NBC and Fox. And spent his days cold bangin’ barely legal girls who he then stood as candidates in local elections. (The above-linked Guardian pithily notes, “[The tapes] imply that the 72 year-old billionaire politician, who has had prostate cancer, nevertheless has remarkable sexual endurance. It remains to be seen if that will inspire more admiration than censure among ordinary Italians.”) That is kind of like what it’s like to be Italian right now.
00:51“Barely legal girls” linking to a New Yorker article should do interesting things to their search engine-directed traffic, I suddenly realize.
00:30 The Italian word for “orgasm” is “orgasmo.”
00:45 This is the part of the tape where Berlusconi attempts to impress a chick by bragging (lying?) about the Phoenician ruins his mansion is built atop. It’s a guaranteed panty-dropper, every time.
The End. (For now.)
So there you have it, folks.
Conclusions: There is definitely a video of Silvio Berlusconi having sex out there. If you find it, please contact us. We’ll make Ben live-blog it.