Dear Lord We Don’t Ask for Much, or, Really, Believe in You, But Please Let Michael Dukakis and Mitt Romney Run for Ted Kennedy’s Senate Seat

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08/27/2009 3:36 PM |

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Michael Dukakis and Mitt Romney. Have there ever been two politicians who worked so painfully, comically, fruitlessly hard to convince the American public of their ability to feel real feelings?

Former Massachusetts governor Dukakis is the man whose inability to credibly ride shotgun in a Sherman tank, or answer a simple question about how much blood he would demand as tribute if some scary crack addicted raped his wife, is pretty much directly responsible for the presidency of George W. Bush. (You could argue that George H.W. Bush’s 1988 landslide victory over Dukakis portended a future an ugly future in American politics, one in which image and emotion overwhelmed any discussion of issues. You would be right!) Because ugly buildings, whores and losing Democratic presidential candidates all get respectable if they last long enough, Michael Dukakis is widely tapped to be named as the interim appointment to Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, in the event that Massachusetts takes up the late great man’s suggest to rewrite the law that they passed in 2004 so that then-governor Mitt Romney couldn’t appoint someone to a vacant Senate seat.

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Mitt Romney, meanwhile, is a Mormon hologram. A hologram with great, great hair, but a hologram, nonetheless. He may run for Ted Kennedy’s seat in the special election to be held in four or five months. He probably won’t, for reasons having to do with the fact that Republicans are literally racist against the state of Massachusetts. But people are adamant that this is at least a speculation worth shooting down.

So, if Dukakis is appointed it’s unlikely he’d actually run for the seat in earnest, and Romney seems unlikely to run, period. But a man can dream. I can picture the debates now, and it is beautiful. Romney revealing his plans to double, triple, quadruple Guantanamo, and talking about how we don’t have to be scurred, he loves all religions as much as he loves the cult of which he is, in fact, a member. And there’s Dukakis, riding around in a tank, eating red meat, tweezing his eyebrows.

Or maybe they’d actually call the “have a beer with” contest a draw — since it’s impossible to imagine circumstances under which anyone, ever, would sit next to Michael Dukakis or Mitt Romney even for the duration of time it takes to drink a shot — and focus on the actual issues?

Ha. Ha. Ha. I crack myself up sometimes.