I have no choice but to admit defeat. Lady Gaga, you win. It’s been announced that you’ll be performing a new song on Saturday Night Live this weekend, and I am very, very excited. I want to know what it will sound like, what you’ll wear, what kind of staged death you will suffer, and, actually, if you’ll play piano. I kinda like when you play piano. One word of advice, though: You’re on the verge of winning over lots of people who’ve spent the last year doubting you, and I commend you, but I also think you’re gonna have to think long and hard about what your next move will be. Because this whole “Fame is hard! And also a double-edged sword!” thing? It’s beneath you, and it’s making you sound like Kate Gosselin. Do better please. I trust that you can.