Let the countdown begin! There are only 35 days left until Super Monday! Last week, Universal Music Group revealed their plan to release not one, not two, but six new albums from some of the biggest names in music on Monday, November 23rd. If, like me, you were worried that Thanksgiving was going to be ruined because those bastards at NBC weren’t gonna let those fun, music-loving kids from Glee sing in the parade, don’t fret because now you’ll be able to download—I mean buy—new albums from 50 Cent, Lady Gaga, Jay Sean, Birdman, Timbaland, and Rihanna! Clearly, Universal is going right for the jugular with this plan of attack, taking full advantage of the post-Thanksgiving shopping frenzy. Could this be the industry-saving event labels have been looking for? Probably not. Nevertheless, here’s a quick guide to help you decide which of these albums to get.
1.) Rihanna – TBD—Thank. God. No singles from Rihanna’s currently untitled fourth album have been released, but she was the best part of Jay-Z’s “Run This Town” and in general she’s absolutely incredible, so odds are this is probably gonna be a pretty solid pop record.
2.) Timbaland – Shock Value 2—Hold up a second. There was a Shock Value 1? Ugh, Timbaland should stop rapping and focus on getting Justin Timberlake to record a new album.
3.) Jay Sean – All Or Nothing—Apparently this guy is some hot shit. His song “Down” knocked the Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta A Feeling” from the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100 after it was at #1 for like 20 years or something. Anyway, “Down” is nothing special, but Lil Wayne’s verse is solid (obviously); and I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the rest of the album will sound like a combination of an Usher and Chris Brown record. Which means it’s gonna sell really, really well.
4.) Birdman – Pricele$$—According to the track list on Wikipedia, Lil Wayne will be on 8 of the 18 tracks on this album. That’s about 45% of the entire record. I’m guessing all these guest spots is just a way of getting people excited about his most-likely awful rock album, which is supposedly coming out in December (possibly along with The Carter IV too!!!). As for Pricele$$, I dunno, probably nothing special. None of the singles are as good as “Stuntin’ Like My Daddy,” which doesn’t bode too well for the rest of the record.
5.) Lady Gaga – The Fame: Monster—Oh boy, another re-issue. Isn’t that just another way for artists to sneak singles onto an already finished piece of work in an effort to keep the album afloat? I mean that’s exactly what Lady Gaga thinks they are. Still, Lady Gaga will re-release her debut album with eight additional tracks, which begs the question, why didn’t she just write like four more tracks and put out a new album? Or at least call this an EP? Hell, she even says that “it’s a new album’s worth of material.” Well, that’s it. I’m officially giving up on trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in Lady Gaga’s head.
6.) 50 Cent – Before I Self Destruct—Well that War Angel mixtape kinda sucked; and last time I checked, didn’t 50 promise he was going to stop making records if Kanye’s Graduation out-sold Curtis? So much for that. Also, fun fact: Did you know there have been four singles released for this album so far starting last October? Me neither. There’s probably a reason for that.
So there you go—six albums to choose from and only one of them will probably be any good. But what I’m really hoping for is that Universal pulls out all the stops and just promotes the hell out of this thing. My suggestion: Pit artist against artist. What better way to build hype than for Universal to start a false rumor that Birdman said he’s going to eat Timbaland’s face. And then Timbaland confronts Birdman and they get into this huge fist fight. And then 50 Cent shows up and is all like, “Hey guys, remember when I got shot nine times?” But no one will care. Now that’d be awesome.