Statheads, Probably Living in Their Parents’ Basement, to Suck All Humanity from Baseball

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10/27/2009 12:07 PM |

Rally Monkey has great intangibles, but, unlike Stats Monkey, doesn't understand win expectancy charts. And that is why the Angels lost.

  • Rally Monkey has great intangibles, but, unlike Stats Monkey, doesn’t understand OPS. And that is why the Angels lost.

By the Power of Science, researchers at Northwestern University give you Stats Monkey, a new program that can write-up a baseball game story without human oversight, through a combination of statistical processing (including standout performances and key plays) and automatic phrases.

There are, of course, weaknesses that remain, particularly in the matter of contextual thinking, like playoff scenarios, the historical long-view, et cetera. Or, then again, like steely calm that radiates from Derek Jeter’s eyes, which through the transitive property of intangibles can imbue noted choker Alex Rodriguez with the essence of True Yankee. (Or the folksy wisdom of mealymouthed moron Don Zimmer, the sound fundamentals of tactical idiot Mike Scioscia, the True Grit of terrible white baseball Darin Erstad, the laziness of terrific Latino baseball player Manny Ramirez, et cetera.)

Seriously, most sportswriters are idiots, and anything that mitigates their tendency to impose a (generally insipid) narrative on uncooperative facts (“the numbers don’t tell the whole story”) should be welcomed as the Messiah.