Interview with a Vampire “Dear Brad, Thanks for showing me who I really am. These feelings I’ve been bottling up for so long were finally released on set with you and I can’t tell you how wonderful it is. Today, I am a new man. A gay man. Ever yours, Tom Cruise. P.S. I think this all started (me being gay) with Lea Thompson on the set of All Right the Moves.”
THE WEREWOLF TRANSFORMATION SCENE The Opening Credits from Big Wolf on Campus Hey, this has attractive teenagers and everything! Just like Twilight!
Underworld Subtext alert: effeminate white dude with whips trying to keep a black man down; black man turns into snarling beast.
Teenwolf Oh no, Alex P. Keaton’s getting all hairy! He looks like Devendra Banhart. And whatever happened to Tina Yothers?
American Dad Meta.
Blood and Chocolate Oh god this is so fucking Eurotrashy I almost couldn’t watch the whole thing. “Zer iz a river in doz woodz… No one ever reechez da river.” Thanks, Frenchie.
Tales from the Darkside I have never cried so hard as when the little boy werewolf jumped into the momma werewolf’s arms at around 1:10. The synths are just so fucking… plangent. I am a mess right now.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban I’d say pound for pound this is one of the better transformations, from a CGI perspective.
The She-Wolf of London This one is protracted and kind of going for laughs, I guess. Though wait, I think I was just attracted to the She-Wolf at around 2:10, which, weird. Nope, it’s gone, I lost it at 2:57 when the English writer whispered wistfully: “Randy.”
The Wolf Man Just because something is “classic” does not make it better. Slipping on a pair of Uggs and delicately tip-toeing through the mist is just not scary.
VAMPIRES SUCKING THE BLOOD
Buffy the Vampire Slayer Teens. Teens are the best. Everybody likes teens. Here are some “teens” who are no longer actually teens.
Smallville Superman vs. vampires vs. Lex Luther? I’m confused. Hey, at least there are attractive teens, which is all America really wants.
Subspecies II Bad things happen when you wear Megadeth jackets and make out with witchy looking ladies. But you knew that right? Also, turn your sound down on this one, the slurping sounds are particularly gross.
The Vampire Lovers The year: 1970. The style: long white night dresses with lots of cleavage. The result: ladies biting other ladies’ necks. The other result: me being turned on.
True Blood Tennesse Williams with fangs and swears.
Count Dracula (Christopher Lee version) It must suck to be the actual Count Dracula, confronted by millions of tweens who don’t believe that an old dude from Serbia or whatever could be a vampire.
Vampyres Ugh. This 1974 fangsploitation flick is all about the Manson Family murders. Again, ugh.
Nosferatu I’ve been watching a fuck-ton of Murnau lately and it’s all totally awesome and beautiful. You can watch all of Nosferatu right here, but if it’s the money shot you’re after, skip ahead to 1:19:06.
Let the Right One In If you haven’t already seen this totally rad Swedish vampire flick YOU ARE DOING YOURSELF A DISSERVICE.