The Maturity Index: Navigating the Office Holiday Party

12/14/2009 2:23 PM |

matiruty index

Hey, it’s Paige and Holly’s Maturity Index, a quick look at the life of young New Yorkers who totally don’t know how to act their age.

Its no secret that the two of us are obsessed with holidays. We plan Halloween costumes in March, leave Christmas lights up year round, and force our roommates and boyfriends to partake in our annual Valentine’s party where we pull out the trusty craft bucket, drink reddish adult beverages, dress completely in red and pink and spend an entire evening making cards for even the most obscure recipients (“Carlos the garbage man! Our Hasidic landlords!”). We look forward to celebrating holidays as much as we look forward to televised awards shows (which we also count as holidays). That’s why this past weekend was the ULTIMATE. We kicked off with an open bar party, courtesy of The L Magazine, and wrapped-up with baking and gift giving. Let us now turn to our patented Maturity Index to see just how old we behaved this weekend.


FRIDAY

-Paige and her coworkers kicked off the festivities at around 3pm at The L Magazine office. Drinking beer, eating pizza and doing the Secret Santa exchange: Age 23
-Paige didn’t understand the Secret Santa rules and failed to properly label her gift: Age 12
-Which was a Forever 21 bag containing a handle of Alexi Vodka and a tiny carton of OJ for screwdriver-making: Age 19
- Holly and roommates (all in cocktail attire, one with an Ace-bandaged knee as an “accessory”) arrive five minutes early to open bar and are literally the first ones with drinks at Paige’s office party: Age 18
-Find a place to sit by the dance floor because our roommate Kristy (Tiny Tim) has a busted knee and is sandwiched between friends and boyfriends and friends of boyfriends: Age 25
-Literally scream and jump out of our seats, as everyone else scratches their heads and takes a seat, when the DJ plays Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA”: Age 9
-Stand on our seats and dance: Age 18
-We both dance so hard at one point we fall on the ground, taking a close friend down with us who winds up with a broken finger: Age 19

SATURDAY

-Wake up with bruises and sore legs from “over doing it” at the Christmas party: Age 20

Separately go Christmas shopping:
-Paige learns to never go into Crate & Barrel at 10am with a hangover: Age 25
- Holly had drunkenly promised her boyfriend the night before that she would spend the day with him. Instead, she woke up at 9am and immediately left to go Chrismakkah shopping: Age 16
-Holly came home six hours later with a gift for someone else, two gifts for herself, and chocolate-covered Goldfish for roommates: Age 14
-Experiment with the “Bump-It” that Holly finally bought after lusting over it for months due to the incredibly convincing infomercial that always plays during Degrassi: Age 12

-Watch our Netflicks-rented copy of Paper Heart and drink red wine: Age 25

Separately go meet our boyfriends:
-Paige buys her boyfriend Oreos and grape-flavored seltzer, which he oddly believes will help cure his sinuses: (no age assignment, just… weird.)
-They watch Kicking and Screaming (Noah Baumbach’s not Will Ferrell’s): Age 30 (for 90s nostalgia)

-Holly goes to Turkey’s Nest to meet her boyfriend with “surprises”: Age 19
-Surprises include Peppermint Tootsie Pops, a picture of Holly fake crying, and a large duffel bag so she can bring home a large leopard skin coat that has been dominating his closet for too long: (again, no age, just… weird.)

SUNDAY

-We get really excited about the fact that we can use the crappy weather as an excuse to stay in sweatpants in a girlpile all day: Age 17

Our TV line-up is erratic:
-Mr. Deeds: Age 13 (sex: male)
-Jersey Shore: Age 19 and AWESOME/AWFUL
-Holiday in Handcuffs: Age 14 ( a disturbing ABC Family Original starring Melissa Joan Heart and Mario Lopez)
-We decide it is officially time to begin our Roommate Christmas Party: Age 23
-We put on (as Holly calls it) “the most critically acclaimed Christmas album OF ALL TIME,” Charlie Brown Christmas: Age 40
-We make Rice Krispie Treats: Age 10
-We make gourmet “bark” from melted chocolate, assorted nuts and craisins: Age 30
-We dip pretzels in white chocolate: Age 15
-We make icing from scratch!: Age 35
-We cut dough into the shapes of snowmen, hearts, screwed-up stars, demented angels, sorry excuses for menorahs, puppies and baby Jesus’: Age 9
-Roomie gift exchange which includes something snakeskin, something from Tiffany’s, retro champagne glasses (and pink champagne that cost over $4!), and something with iron-on initials: we’d say this averages to age 23
-Before bed we all watch VH1’s hard-hitting Tough Love, which tackled racism, body issues and how to get a man to love you! So, now we know!: Age 18

Our average age last weekend: 21. Which makes sense. We loved being 21, just as much as we love open bar parties, Miley Cyrus, and things covered in white chocolate.

Next week: Paige’s faux birthday, a Christmas party with an 80s cover band, and Hanukkah in N.J.

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