Love Yourself, That Others Might Love You

01/20/2010 4:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
During oral sex, especially with a new-ish partner, I get self-conscious. That self-consciousness will delay or preclude orgasm, sometimes to the point that I even fake it so the guy can stop, which is low. In all other respects I consider myself a normal, confident person with a healthy perspective on sexuality, yet somehow I have this innate assumption that my partner doesn’t like going down on me. Eff the media for making us think pussies are gross. Is this self-consciousness abnormal? Also, what the hell can I do to stop worrying and just go with it?

Yeah, fuck that bullshit. Unfortunately, no, I don’t think it’s that abnormal for chicks to be worried about whether or not their partners are squicked out by their cha chas. It sucks, but we are all (well, Americans, anyway) socialized in the same female genitalia-devaluing culture, so of course, the same messages that make you worry that your junk is gross teach other people that it is ok to think your junk is gross.

The cultural messages we get about sex, femininity, female genitals, normativity and our partners’ expectations are complicated. Just in general? Shit is complicated. I bring this all up to say that yeah, your fears aren’t weird but also yeah, it’s possible that there are some people out there who are turned off by oral sex, and that’s ok. The same way some people are, and some people are not, into every possible sex act out there (and even sex itself).

Not to sound negative, though, because I do think most people love going downtown! But to not acknowledge that the cultural forces that shaped your concerns shape us all is sort of condescending, like “Oh ladies where do you get these silly ideas? A healthy attitude and girl power erases centuries of institutionalized oppression, duh!” Also everyone is allowed to not like things.

So what to do? How to feel carefree and confident when getting your box chowed? Well, I suggest a two-pronged approach. Prong one is easy: communicate with your partner to ensure you are both doing the things you enjoy and avoiding the things you are averse to.

Hey everyone: this goes for all of you, all the time. Nobody is a sex mind reader. Everyone enjoys different things for sex. How do we solve this problem? By talking to each other! We did not go to all the trouble of inventing language to sit around wondering if someone is trying to signal that they would like a finger up their butt.

The second prong is more you-specific, reader. You gotta get more comfortable with your ladyflower, and with oral sex in general. I would say to read or watch porn for folks with oral sex fetishes, to get used to the idea that going down on a lady is fucking hot for the down-goer, not just for the down-goee. Many, many people love giving head. I think this will help you learn to see oral sex not as something someone endures so that you may have pleasure, but as something both people are getting off on together.

Also, ask yourself: do you think your pussy is gross? If so, that might be coloring your view. Taste your juices. Smell yourself after masturbating. Kiss your partner after he goes down on you. Get comfortable with your smell and taste, and you will realize you smell and taste good.