So, tonight’s the big night for spurned Irish-American talk show host, Conan O’Brien, and we’re all kind of wondering how he’s going to finish his short-lived run on The Tonight Show. Though his severance deal stipulates he can’t talk shit about NBC, I’m not sure if it’s in effect yet… So if the shit he pulled the other night is any indication, tonight should be a doozy. As speculative fiction about late-night talk show wars is one of our favorite things, please find forthwith the following list of what he might get up to…
10. Introduce new character: Masturbating Jay Leno.
9. Have really expensive and extensive plastic surgery (chin enlargement, hair plugs, leg shortening, stomach padding) and appear as Jay Leno.
8. Allow Masturbating Bear to have his way with Masturbating Jay Leno. Twice.
7. Unveil the new collection of luxury cars that he bought from some deadbeat used car salesman with his severance money.
6. Slaughter, bone, roast and eat a live peacock.
5. Recite thousands of anagrams for “Dick Ebersol” and “Jay Leno,” lingering on bedrock lies
and lean joy.
4. Expose the hidden “Joey” tapes.
3. Expose himself.
2. Read extended passages from Finnegan’s Wake in his customarily bad Irish accent.
1. Announce plans to take over Jay Leno Show at 10pm.