The Maturity Index: “Do we dress like hookers?”

01/25/2010 3:33 PM |

julia roberts as a hooker

In this installment of the Maturity Index, Paige and Holly learn a valuable lesson about wearing shorts in January.

This weekend we were verbally assaulted by a middle-aged woman wearing what appeared to be a crown of mink, while we were wearing PETA-approved faux leopard/puma coats. This was awesome and without a doubt the highlight of January 2010. This lady should learn to act her age. Who, besides Regina George, just makes fun of girls like that?

FRIDAY

-Paige eats a bowl of edamame for “dinner”: Age 19
-Paige literally takes over two hours trying on clothes and yelling across the apartment “I HATE ALL MY CLOTHES, I need to hit up Forever 21 BAD!”: Age 14
-Holly puts on the same overpriced American Apparel pajama shorts she has worn the last three weekends: Age 9
-After almost an hour on the train, headed to 95th Street, we are “greeted” upon exiting the subway by a grumpy middle-aged woman who accuses of us being “women of the night” but uses a bit more of offensive slang: Age 21
-Paige’s only response is “Why are you being so mean!”: Age 10
-Holly’s is “Uh, yeah we have shorts on under our coats”: Age 19
-We decide we were only accosted because this old woman was jealous, has many cats, and we were wearing faux fur/leopard print jackets and “bad girl” shoes, cheers to our youth: Age 24
-Arrive at our friend’s going away party in her gorgeous apartment that has real furniture and a TV that she did NOT find on the street: Age 32
-After a few bottles of Cristalino “champagne” our adult farewell party devolves into a middle school basement dance party after Paige puts on “Party in the USA”, what else? Age 15
-Yoga demonstration also happened in “bad girl” shoes at one point: Age 40


SATURDAY

-We both wake up in Paige’s toaster bed; Holly is wearing full sweat-suit and UGGs, Paige is wearing her outfit from the night before: Age 19
-We go wake up Kristy and lay in her bed and tease her about the boy she was dancing with the night before (what’s his name? Joey? Alex? It’s normal sounding right?): Age 13
-Paige’s friend from Philly arrives and she and Paige go to a long, fancy brunch then spend the rest of the day shopping and gossiping: Age 30
-Holly and Kristy go to “bring a friend day” at Equinox and Holly immediately tells hottie trainers she is there for the free food and literally eats a “health” wrap en route to the treadmill: Age 14
-Holly does minor league begging to have Kristy bring in mini bottles to gym so she can steal “complimentary” Kiehls products for her: Age 16
-Holly wants Kristy to give her an “updo” to go see NYC ballet, so she is 45 minutes late leaving for date: Age 9
-Holly makes “stranger jokes” at Lincoln Center about how easily it would be to just tumble over the balcony: no age because this is not funny or appropriate at any age
-Sober Holly cries when Romeo meets Juliet: Age 62
-Paige and her friend drink Prosecco, eat crudite and postpone their night on the town to watch the SAG awards: Age 40
-Paige and her friends go out to the bars where Paige gets in a fight with a bouncer after telling him “You are so mean you could be a step mom,” she leaves shortly after: Age 10

SUNDAY

-Paige is drinking mysterious juice with a straw:
Holly: “Paige, is there vodka in that?”
Paige: “No… there’s wine in it”
Holly: “I ALWAYS know when you’re drinking”: no age but it was 10:30am on a Sunday so…
-Paige and Holly go to brunch at a French restaurant with friends: Age 25
-We loudly point and admire a fellow bruncher’s cardigan that has various dogs woven in it: Age 12
-Holly goes to the Brooklyn Museum with her boyfriend and their friends to see “Who Shot Rock and Roll” for the second time: Age 30
-Afterward they all go to bar to watch a Madrid soccer game that boyfriend has been talking about for a week where Holly pouts about lack of attention and instead talks about the hotness of David Beckham: Age 14
-Paige and her friend head into Bed Stuy to check out their other friend’s new apartment, talk about how awesome it is that Paige lives so close to where Biggie Smalls grew up: Age 17
-Paige, Holly and Kristy girlpile on the couch, complain that there’s no good TV on until 9pm when the “Pregnancy Pact” comes on Lifetime: Age 16
-Eat Whoppers, popcorn, frozen yogurt and turkey pepperoni: Age 10
-It doesn’t surprise us at all that the Miley Cyrus dancing and “Stepmother” name-calling make us 21.2, despite the fact the Holly went to the ballet and Paige ordered her Croque Madame brunch with a Brigitte Bardot-worthy accent. Next weekend Paige, Holly, and roommates will be playing musical beds as our married friends shack up with us for their first NYC visit.