See, the thing about live-tweeting the Grammys is that when the morning comes around, and you’d normally be expected to write some sort of recap, well, you really just don’t want to. But real quick: Beyonce won the most awards, Taylor Swift won the most important award, and Phoenix won an award they don’t even show on television.
The performances were mostly meh: Pink hung from a thing while singing some bullshit ballad; Gaga and Elton John were a relative disappointment; Green Day did the American Idiot on Broadway thing; Beyonce played a medley that included “You Oughta Know;” the Black Eyed Peas did what they always do, only this time Fergie wore a robot visor; Bon Jovi played the much buzzed-about new single “Livin on a Prayer;” a curtain fell on a woman in Lady Antebellum (is she Lady Antebellum? No idea,) and it was hilarious; Jamie Foxx acted like a man half his age, then Slash came out and may or may not have played the “November Rain” solo; there was a 3D tribute to Michael Jackson that was really blurry if you didn’t have 3D glasses (and you didn’t have 3D glasses); Michael Jackson’s kids, Prince and Paris, delivered speeches that were a equal parts heartbreaking and creepy; Mary J. Blige and Andrea Bocelli‘s performance of “Bridge Over Troubled Water” did nothing to change my opinion that Mary J. is one of the most overrated performers ever; Maxwell did something very boring; I learned that the Zac Brown Band is made up of a bunch of men who look like Fleet Foxes and Kings of Leon, only sorta fat and maybe old, Taylor Swift was badly out-sung by Stevie Nicks on “Rhiannon” and “You Belong With Me;” and then, the during the performance I was most looking forward to—Eminem, Lil Wayne, Drake and Travis Barker doing “Forever”—Taylor was caught on camera trying to sing along, only to mess up the words and then stare awkwardly at her feet (at 3:39 btw). That was all. Grammys!