- Not your mother’s Land Shark
Valentine’s Day is nigh, and while for some it’s an opportunity to bask in a weekend of orgasmic love bliss, for many of us the holiday is but a painful spotlight on our heartbreak and misery.
For the latter, I present you an unexpected and unnerving new ally in your quest for recovery: Death Bear.
Death Bear performs an important (and free) service to Brooklyn residents: When summoned via text message, he will appear at your door and collect any items which may serve as painful reminders of past heartbreak or loss. Love letters, photographs, clothing—Death Bear will drag them all back to his “cave” and out of your life forever. And yes, that does sound a little creepy.
I recently had a chance to catch-up with Mr. Bear… enjoy our conversation, after the jump.
The L: So, tell me Mr. Bear, what inspired you to take up this project?
Death Bear: I love rap music. After collecting bad memories from people all day,
it’s nice to come home to my cave, relax, and just listen. To answer
your question, I’ll loosely quote Jay Electronica here…”Do you ask
a dolphin why it swims? Or an eagle why it flies? That’s right you
don’t because that’s what it was made to do.”
I was born in the cave. I don’t know why or how. Just like you, I’m
not sure where I came from, how I got here, or where I’m going. But I
found that my cave has the power to absorb objects, and I put this
phenomenon to good use in helping people in need.
The L: You’ve said that your mission is to absorb painful memories. In
light of this, are there any cleansing-type rituals involved in your
visit to a person’s home?
Death Bear: My mere presence at your home is cleansing. My job is to come to your
home, collect the objects and take them to my cave where they
disappear. I don’t talk much. There isn’t much for me to say.
The L: What is your cave like?
Death Bear: Imagine a warm black hole with a bed inside.
The L: What do you do with the items once they’re in your cave?
Death Bear: Nothing. They disappear.
The L: Any interesting plans for these items?
Death Bear: No because I can’t get them back. Even I don’t know where they went.
Perhaps someday I will invite a physicist to my cave to do some
The L: Have you had any particularly strange requests?
Death Bear: No, there is nothing that I think is strange. I will take anything as
long as I can fit it into my duffel bag. I usually do not share what the objects are in
particular that I collect because it is a private and sensitive moment
between me and someone else. But I will say that I am normally
summoned by women who give me objects related to an ex-boyfriend.
The L: You’ve mentioned that your animal colleagues, the dolphin from “free
bouncy rides” and the “candy crack delivery service” were inspired by,
as you put it, a kind of “regression art,” as in a return to childhood
experiences. Is there any element of that in Death Bear?
Death Bear: No, I don’t have anything to do with that.
The L: Bears have been known to attack people. Has this ever been
problematic for you with your work?
Death Bear: When I say that I am intimidating in that I am 7 feet tall and have a
large scary black bear head, I mean it. I can be intimidating. This
is a natural defense against human predators.
The L: Where did you procure your exquisite head?
Death Bear: Ebay
Death Bear, grumpy and taciturn as he is, is available for collections this Valentine’s Day weekend, Feb 12-14. You can reach him at email@example.com.