Maturity Index: “Why Doesn’t Anyone Take Checks Anymore?”

02/01/2010 3:33 PM |


We were pretty sure that attempting to purchase something with a check and hanging out with our married friends would elevate our maturity this weekend…. thank god for candy and crafts.


-Paige takes off work to show her friends from college (who are a married couple) around the city, they go to the Brooklyn Bridge, check out Wall St. and Ground Zero, and walk around SoHo and Times Square – Age 34

-They also hit up H&M, and Forever 21- Age 16

-On the way home, Paige attempts to purchase wine with a check- Age 67

-Everyone meets at home for a family dinner where competing styles of tacos are enjoyed- Age 27

-Everyone primps for the night, outfits are selected, we listen to Jay-Z and Ke$ha- Age 22

-Holly makes herself imported rum and store brand Crystal cocktails with a rum “floater” on top- Age 22

-We chase shots with Blow Pops- Age 17

-Fearing the cold, we opt against a 3-train subway transfer and call a car – Age 30

-When car service sends us a Kia Mini Van with a baby seat in the back, Paige immediately sits in it- Age 2

-Everyone one is overly nice to Kia Mini Van driver (can you be that cruel to anyone driving a Kia?); male friend in town and driver make small talk-Age 36

-Kia Mini Van (this is fun to say) driver puts on Jock Jams-ish music that Holly most definitely has on her iPod- Age 13

-We arrive tatPublic Assembly in Williamsburg for the Uzi Mon concert- Age 24

-Uzi Mon is our roommates trainer, she points out: “that guy helps me do squats” as Uzi Mon is wearing faux beard and a cowboy hat)- Age 30

-Everyone dirty dances to Uzimon’s “combat reggae”, which is really fun and also very very strange- Age 22
-We try to take the G train home and when we find out it is not working Paige asks a police officer if they could give her a ride- Age 13

-We wake up early and make a big brunch with fruit salad, pancakes, bacon, and huevos rancheros- Age 32
-And sprinkles and whipped cream for the pancakes- Age 8
-And beer- Age 19

-Holly goes to Brooklyn Label for brunch with boyfriend and bf’s brother for granola, lamb sausage, and 5 cups of coffee- Age 29
-And finishes off last night’s watermelon Blow Pop-Age 6

-Boyfriend keeps referring to Holly as a “Lady of the Night” as she is wearing heels and leopard coat amongst lumberjack-looking hipsters- Age 24

-Paige and her guests plan on checking out the Brooklyn Museum- Age 32

-But the cold, and the fact that The Sandlot is on make them stay on the couch- Age 12

-Paige and her boyfriend go on double date with Paige’s friends at a cozy cafe in her neighborhood and talk about their childhoods growing up in diffrent regions of the US- Age 36

-Afterwards they go to the liquor store where they make jokes about buying a gallon bottle of Hypnotiq (Paige wasn’t really joking) but end up buying Sambuca (Age 59), More PBR (Age 21) and Sparks (Age 18)
-Holly goes to babysit second cousin on Upper West Side-Age 15

-In heels and crop top so as to “fit in” with burlesque show vibe at BK Bowl later- Age 17

-Holly Successfully puts child to bed and successfully figures out how to work the complicated TV- Age 35
-So can watch Jersey Shore Reunion Show she missed- Age 16

-Paige and her friends take shots of Sambuca, then decide it’s too cold to go to the burlesque show they were thinking about attending, and instead stay on the couch and play Catchphrase, this gets increasingly competitive after the Sparks is consumed and objects are thrown and there may have been some tears- Age 12

-Holly ends up attempting to take G train to Williamsburg and thinks she is clever waiting at the Jay Street IHOP for a bus while others wait in the cold, however is, for what we hope is the last time, kicked out of IHOP-This should not get an age as Holly was causing no harm to international pancake making

-Paige and her roommates take the guests to the dirtiest, cheapest, greasiest diner in Brooklyn- Age 21

-Page and the roommates argue over what movie to watch, then decide on “Unfaithful”- Age 40

-Everyone gets really awkward when the phone installation man shows up at our apartment while we are watching a very graphic Diane Lane- on-French Guy sex scene, we all feel ashamed- Age 13

-Holly goes to Peter Pan Bakery for the 9th Sunday in a row and makes a $16.49 purchase on 5 bagels, 3 doughnuts, 4 muffins and 1/2 lb schmear to count as bringing “brunch” to friends viewing of the Arsenal vs Manchester United Match -Age 26

-Holly makes fun of soccer players with bad teeth, comments on tightness of goalie shorts, all while picking out the doughnuts with the most sprinkles- Age 16

-Holly pouts as “shopping with her boyfriend” turns into looking at backpacks at The North Face store- age 9

-Gym, grocery store, make healthy dinner and shower- Age 25

-Prepare to kick-off our Valentine-Making party by watching Lady GaGa and sir elton perform a less-weird-than-we’d-hoped performance on the Grammys- Age 17

-Sit at the table with our newly renovated craft-bucket and all-important snacks: red jell-o, Blow Pops, Junior Mints, Sour Patch Kids, sweet potato fries and popcorn- Age 8

-Make Valentines for our loved ones while listening to a “Love Song” playlist made by Holly that included some really weird stuff- Age 18

-Drink red wine as we reminisce about the “Great Valentines Days of our Youth”- Age 50

-Holly spat out cheap red wine when Bryan Adams’ “(Everything I Do) I Do it For You” comes on- Age 18

-Paige and Holly end up finishing off movie-theater-sized candy and continuing to drink wine while roommate makes our Valentines- Age 20

In the end donuts, baby seats and glitter glue balanced pretty perfectly red wine reminiscing and Sambuca shots, our average age was a 23.4 which is practically our real age anyways. We’ll see you next week where we’ll most likely explain how we avoided the Super Bowl!