The Maturity Index: Narrowly Avoiding Electrocution, Fistfights

02/16/2010 3:10 PM |


This long weekend was filled with snow, love, red glitter and a desperate longing for each other. Maybe we acted so childishly because we spent most of the weekend in towns that are two hours apart?

-Holly scrambles with 4 suitcases, a cake and cheap champagne before asking everyone to help her carry her stuff to the G train- age 12
-Everyone eats adult-like appetizers at Holly’s boyfriends house for his birthday-Age 29
-Holly and Kristy finish off the salami and put in a request for more- age 12
-Everyone sings “Happy Birthday” and Holly’s boyfriend is presented with a van Gogh, “Starry Night”-themed cake- 31
-At Holly’s boyfriends house, Paige gets excited watching the “We Are The World” video, because she “really likes Barbara Streisand, as a person”- Age 60
-At Brooklyn Bowl the girls check their coats and Paige threatens to start an old-school girl-fight with one of our mortal enemies who’s in attendance- Age 14
-Paige and Holly want to have a picture taken of themselves wearing shorts and a strapless dress in February-Age 6
-So they fake-befriend a girl with interesting tattoos who is hanging out solo near the bathrooms and ask her to take a picture-Age 9
-“We are best friends! Besties! Best friends!” with “new friend” ensues- Age 9
-Paige and Holly decide excess tequila makes them tired so Holly whips out “G-Mix”, an energizer coffee spray that is probably dangerous and really gross- Age 19


-Holly and boyfriend exchange Valentine day gifts a day early and Holly gets tears of joy while receiving a Hayden Harnett dress and gives boyfriend a nice pan he can use to cook for her. – Age 12
-Holly needs stuff so her hair doesn’t look so much like Jesus’, so she goes to a Polish beauty store in Greenpoint. She quickly becomes uneasy trying to decipher Polish beauty products as they contain letters and shapes she has never seen and so goes to Rite Aid instead- Age 13 (FYI in Polish, “hair” looks like ‘WÅ‚osy’)
-Holly leaves for trip Upstate and immediately whips out Cheddar Chex Mix, Whoppers, and Coconut M&M’s for a 2 hour car ride-Age 12
-Holly didn’t bring anything relevant for skiing for skiing trip so boyfriend’s family goes around finding ski gear that Holly puts on and models for everyone. to get “in the spirit.” Holly then keeps ski gear on (goggles included) while watching Winter Olympics-Age 9
-Holly does a decent job meeting boyfriends family thanks to his tip to “not make too many of your weird jokes…you know what I mean”- Age 24

-Paige wakes up at 8 and notices she fell asleep with her un-capped water bottle by her side and it has spilled all over her ELECTRIC mattress pad, feels grateful to be alive- No age, just, c’mon.
-Paige is too tired to get out of bed to talk to Kristy, who is in her own room 30 feet away, so she calls her cell phone, and the two carry on a 10 minute conversation about the night before- Age 15
-Paige makes Chrissy watch “Fast Times at Rigemont High”, after 90 minutes of Jeff Spicoli, Chrissy says she understands where Paige cultivated the “type” of guy she dated in college- Age 18
-Paige meets her boyfriend in Chinatown for dinner at a Malaysian restaurant, the food is amazing but the restaurant is so cold that Paige complains the whole time, leaves her jacket on and demands that her boyfriend hand over his jacket as well- Age 8
-Paige falls asleep 12 minutes into “Club Paradise”, starring Robin Williams and Twiggy- Age 6


-Holly complains and doesn’t see point in waking up early to go skiing but does anyway, then has brownie for breakfast-Age 12
-Despite claims that she is definitely going to break her leg skiing, Holly only falls twice the entire day, the worst of the two off the slopes while carrying in rented ski gear- Age 15
-Holly gives boyfriend’s family homemade Valentine’s made mostly of glue and glitter-Age 6
-Holly and boyfriend go to sushi dinner where Holly fails miserably at biting sushi in half and has spicy white fish hanging from her mouth for what is an uncomfortably long time until she needs to use her fingers to literally rip sushi from her mouth. Very romantic- Age 15
-Holly oddly declines after-dinner ice cream as its dark and late and she had lots of sake and keeps thinking she is in Headless Horseman territory- Age 12

-Paige and her boyfriend go to breakfast, do a gallery walk and take a Valentines day stroll on the High Line- Age 32
-Paige and her boyfriend go home and build a LEGO replica of The Guggenheim- Age 10
-This leads to a few tiffs, accusations of withholding integral pieces, and several threats of ass-kicking- Age 13
-Paige buys her roommates Valentines day gifts- Age 24
-Each roommate gets a bottle of wine from Trader Joes- Age 27
-And a bottle of nail polish from Forever 21- Age 12
-Paige goes back to Brooklyn to get ready for Valentines dinner but instead gets caught up with drinking roommate-Valentine-wine and watching True Life: I’m Polyamorous- Age 18
-Paige and her boyfriend have a lovely Valentines dinner with much hand-holding and and an apology from Paige regarding the LEGO ass- kicking she promised- Age 26


-Holly and boyfriend drive into “town” and go into the Co-op to have lunch. Holly plays with the largest vat of organic peanut butter she has ever seen-Age 12
-Boyfriend takes Holly (finally) to the candy store where groups of small children come and go while Holly contemplates rock candy flavors-Age 6
-Boyfriend takes Holly to bookstore where she reminisces about all of the Nancy Drew books she read growing up, while eating black licorice-Age 57
-Holly and Chrissy come home and arguments ensue over switching the channel between, “Intervention”, “The Bachelor”, and Figure Skating. (Holly’s note: the pairs Freeskate was on, and the Russians, who have won the last 12 pairs Olympics, did not win, this happened while we were watching Kristen deal with her vodka “problem”)-again, no age, because an agreement about what really should be watched was never reached.

-Paige wakes up at 10, goes into the living room to watch TV, realizes something is wrong with the cable, has a small panic attack- Age 17
-Decides this means she should go to the gym- Age 25
-Paige goes to lunch with childhood BFF where she meets BFF’s boyfriend for the first time, she’s impressed with his European cheek- kiss greeting- Age 16
-Back in Brooklyn, the cable is working again. Paige pours herself a glass of wine and watches “Intervention”.- No age, irony.

The Results:
Black Licorice in bookstores and the love of Barbara Streisand didn’t stand a chance against weekend filled with glitter, LEGOs, complaints about the cold and wearing ski gear inside for “effect”. We backslid to the average age of 17.4 this weekend, for shame!

Next weekend: Paige goes home to Delaware to watch HBO with her mom and play with her dog and Holly stays in Brooklyn with the roommates and semi-functioning cable.