The Maturity Index: Saying No to the Super Bowl

02/08/2010 3:01 PM |

mask party!

We had high hopes for old age this past weekend, as Guggenheim parties and parties with people wearing masks were to be attended. However, we got packages with candy in them from our mothers and totally blew off the Super Bowl in lieu of eating this candy and watching “Teen Mom”:


FRIDAY

-Paige is grumpy and lame after an exhausting work week and decides to stay in: Age 34
-She and her boyfriend rent I Love You, Man and she laughs hysterically the entire time, Jason Segal elevating her from her grump: Age 15
-Holly and Kristy head to the First Friday’s at the Guggenheim to listen to DJ Chromeo while looking at Chagall: Age 30
-Holly finds a 24 oz Bud Light Lime and sips it through a straw while riding train to Upper East Side: Age 20

-Holly and Kristy wait in unimaginably long line among a sea of hip (but not hipsters) while wearing non-PETA friendly outerwear: Age 29
-Holly is freezing and has to leave, so girls say goodbye to the younger Joan Rivers that became their “friend”Age 12
-Holly goes to the Levy and is sure to get “training wheels” (lime and salt) with her $5 beer/tequila deal: Age 21
-Holly eats free Twizzlers while laughing/encouraging drunk man wearing a scarf as a turban to dance to Motown: Age 8

SATURDAY

-Paige wakes up early, runs errands, like buying vitamins, going to the grocery store, and browsing Sephora: Age 37
-Paige goes back to Brooklyn, bakes cake for her boyfriend’s birthday: Age 26
-Paige decorates the cake with an icing drawing of a shark, covers cake in Swedish Fish and bright blue sprinkles: Age 12
-Paige leaves early to meet her boyfriend before dinner with his family, the C train stalls after only going one stop, fearing she’ll be late, Paige goes upstairs and calls a cab. When a stranger says she’s also going to the West Village and asks to share the cab with her, Paige complies. The stranger is actually going to the Lower East Side and is not a very good traveling companion as she is terrible with directions and makes Paige 15 minutes late to meet her boyfriend’s family. Paige has now made her boyfriend’s family late for every single dinner they have ever invited her to: Age 20
-After family dinner, Paige and her boyfriend change into fancy clothes and MASKS because they have a Venetian Carnival Masquerade Party to go to: Age… Hard to say, because a similar theme party was featured on season one of Gossip Girl, but there were lots of older people there so… wash: Age 24
-Paige gets nervous at fancy party in fancy apartment where there is a hired wait staff, DJ, stilt walker and little person in a tux running the private elevator; she panics while ordering a drink and says “umm, just make me something pink”: Age 14
-Holly buys illegibly labeled bottle of $9.99 vodka and uses this to make store brand Crystal Light/OJ/faux lemon juice/Sprite/sketchy vodka cocktails—delicious!: Age 19
-Holly and roommates and extra friends drink “cocktails” and play a Scrabble-type game called “Bananagrams”: Age 18
-Holly cannot spell ‘cesarean’, so instead spells ‘car': Age 15
-Holly and co. go to Soda bar decked out in Valentine-themed candy bracelets that Paige’s adoring mother sent: Age 5
-Holly drinks beer, eats onion rings, candy bracelets, and gets caught lying about trivial soccer facts: Age 20

SUNDAY

-Paige, with her boyfriend and roommates, eats the Shark Cake for breakfast: Age 8
-There is a small quarrel about the amount of frosting each person gets: Age 4
-While watching TV, Paige stumbles upon the A&E show Hoarders and launches into a diatribe about how disgusting it is that these people are “diagnosed” with “hoarding” while they are actually just lazy and messy and that “chronic disorganization” does not belong in the cannon of mental illnesses next to real problems and how “American” it is for people to cling desperately to their stuff because it “represents who they are.” This rant makes everyone uncomfortable: Age 24 (and way too entitled)
-Paige and her boyfriend hang out at a skate shop in Crown Heights: Age 14
-Holly and roommate drag four Hoarder-worthy sized bags of good quality used clothing to Beacon’s Closet: age 30
-Holly ends up getting $11.42 in Beacon’s credit for a peach-colored dress for which she originally paid $4. Mumbles “suckers” as she walks out: Age 16
-Holly, Paige and roommates have anti-Super Bowl, pro-MTV’s Teen Mom and Jersey Shore marathon party: Age 14
-Everyone participates in other Super Bowl activities such as making pigs-in-a-blanket and eating them three minutes later: Age 14
-Met Foods brand Rainbow Sherbet was consumed: Age 5
-Everyone retires to bed, not caring and unsure of who won the Super Bowl: Age 14

This week’s Maturity Index puts us at 17.9, which we understand: we were free-thinking, anti-football, pro-“Guido”, edible jewelry-wearing, pigs-in-a-blanket consuming 17-year-olds and we liked it. Next weekend has a “love” theme.

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