Two of Our Favorite Things: Thief Targets Sex Stores and Ice Cream Shops

02/01/2010 11:27 AM |

The Golden Dildo

I love living in New York. Every day the city serves up fodder for one of my many failed screenplays (it’s not me, it’s the Hollywood system!) Today’s treatment—a heartwarming tale of sex addiction, larceny and ice cream—comes to us from The New York Post.

Our protagonist is Lloyd Friedmann, a 55-year-old ex-con, mild-mannered, down on his luck, who meets a sassy younger woman we’ll call Paula. Lloyd (played by Wallace Shawn) falls in love with Paula (a retired sex worker, played by, uh, Paula Abdul) but doesn’t know how to get her attention—until Paula reveals her obsession with sex toys and ice cream, a painful dual fixation derived from a traumatic childhood incident at a Carvel’s, with her stepfather. Anyway, back to Lloyd.

The only thing Lloyd’s ever been good at it is theft. Larceny. Thieving. Not only has it occasionally provided him with periods of luxurious living, he also feels a truly satisfying existential thrill during each job. And so, against all his better judgment, Lloyd embarks on a bizarre crime spree, robbing sex stores and ice cream parlors across the city, earning him the nickname, the “Two-Scoop Bandit.”

Of course, none of it is enough to satisfy the ever-deepening obsession of Paula, and one night, his hands frozen and cramped from heisting some hazelnut gelato, Lloyd gets nabbed by the fuzz, a sack of dildos on his back.

Sorry, though, to find out how it ends, you’ll have to go see the movie…