How to Wash Your Clothes With Cheez Whiz and Other Gross Things

03/17/2010 11:51 AM |

Chemical factories
  • Where your food gets made.

Dear America, today we’re going to take a closer look at some of the nice ingredients in foods that the Food-Industrial Complex tries to get you to eat every day. This may get sciencey.

You probably already know that Cheez Whiz more closely resembles the latter than the former, but here’s why: It’s made with trisodium phosphate, an industrial-strength cleaner which for some reason is also a “food” additive.

House-painting-info.com tells us to “try trisodium phosphate for a thorough clean before painting!” To use Cheez Whiz as a pre-wash for your laundry, work a glop of it into the stained area and let it sit for ten minutes before washing. Presto, grease stains gone!

Another fun food to pick apart—literally and figuratively—is Spam, which uses sodium nitrate (a bastardization of table salt) as a preservative. Sodium nitrate is what keeps pink meats pink, even after they’ve been cooked. Although it can’t be used as a cleaning agent, Spam can be stealthily deployed against enemies. One homemade gift basket of Spam products and your nemesis will be well on his or her way to colorectal, kidney, and stomach cancer.

Pomegranate-flavored Lifewater uses the natural red dye called “cochineal.” Cochineal turns out to be a parasitic beetle that lives on cacti in South America and Mexico. When boiled, they turn into a soupy red liquid that can be used to dye clothes and food. YOU’RE DRINKING BEETLES PEOPLE.

So where to turn for acceptable alimentation? Try one of Steve “Wildman” Brill’s foraging tours through Central Park, where you can dig up your own scrumptious grub (and maybe grubs?) from the fat of the land.