Because “wild animals on the loose in NYC” is my new beat (Mike says this is a good way to brand myself as a writer! Thanks Mike!) I will now alert you to the story of a pair of dolphins—SYMBOLS OF GOODNESS IN THE UNIVERSE AND THE CLOSEST THING WE HAVE TO UNICORNS—spotted yesterday swimming around in supergross Newton Creek, which is pretty much one part water and six parts industrial run-off. Dolphins (likely the same ones) were also spotted just off the Brooklyn Navy Yard on Tuesday. A dude from river conservation group Riverkeeper thinks they might be a little disoriented from all the pollution, which is horrible to think about.
(Hey dolphins, if you’re trying to get a message to me about some kind of impending global apocalypse, I’ll walk down to the river at lunch and keep my eyes peeled. But really,
humanity is I’m probably too ineffectual and self-involved to hear what you have to say and do anything about it. So really, you should just head for the Keys and enjoy the rest of your lives.)