Ok everyone, I’ve got your vajazzling updates today. You all remember the vajazzling question from a few weeks back? Well, unlike the rest of you slackers, some people actually went out and got their shit waxed and covered in stick-on crystals when I asked for first-hand reports on vajazzling. This is surely going to be the anal bleaching of the twenty-tens (is that what we’re calling them?), and y’all are on the cutting edge (wow, is that mixed metaphor ever disgusting).
First we hear from Bryce Gruber of TheLuxurySpot.com, aka the chick from the vajazzling video, who was very nice and recently had a birthday. Happy belated birthday, Bryce. She clarifies:
“It doesn’t hurt at all, you can have the crystals in whatever shape you want, they REALLY DO last five days (with regular showering, maybe longer if you’re dirty), and the friction issue I’m not sure about: I’m sexless.
“Did it help improve my pussy confidence? No, mine was ok before, but I think this is a fun idea for any disco-themed swingers party.”
Secondly, a very detailed first-hand report from reader “D.” For your health:
“I was curious about vajazzling, so I got my little lady all jeweled up during Spa Week. I will get to the point: to be vajazzled, my aesthetician ripped out my hair from the mons pubis, the outer and inner labia, the butt crack, and from the patch above the clitoris. So, if your vag has just retreated to your intestines, vajazzling is not for you. It hurts like hell. Make that hell squared. To be fair, the hair is removed expertly and very quickly, with the intense pain gone relatively fast.
“Now for the dazzle. The Swarovski crystal stickers are rather crappy in design: heart, butterfly, peace symbol, flower. You know, bland. So, that was a disappointment. But, I did not have any crystal mishaps: they are small and smooth. There was no irritation for either of us during or post sex. And you know what? If your partner gets a stray sticker in the pubes and has to pluck it out, that is NOTHING compared to what you had plucked out.
“The bare vag is a visual shock, and honestly, I’m not a fan of the infantile look. I think I would need a tattoo on the mons to erase any prepubescent connotations. I don’t regret getting vajazzled, my husband got a kick out of it, but the novelty wore off when the stickers did.”
So there you go. News you(r mons pubis) can use. This is as close to investigative reporting as we get around these parts, and I thank these two ladies for their service to journalism.
I do have to say in response to D’s excellent report that I have heard and personally experienced waxers in non-vajazzling situations getting very pushy about going all the way. Like, sorry lady I have only just met, I feel certain that I know my anal waxing needs better than you do.
Frankly, a tattoo on your mons seems infinitely more rad than anything in the vajazzling continuum. Anybody got a report about getting that done? DEFINITELY hit me up. Also, we gotta make this disco balls thing a reality. Gentlemen, call up your neighborhood vajazzling emporium and demand that they wax and jewel-encrust your sack. Only then will we have reached the sparkling crotch Nirvana of which we have all dreamed.