Five Things New York City Does Better Than Stevens Point, Wisconsin

06/23/2010 9:23 AM |

nyc vs. stevens point

  • Hey, let’s fight.

Well, fuck me. Stevens Point, Wisconsin recently defeated New York City in a blind taste test of the two cities’ tap water. Stevens Point (pop. 25,000) placed first in the American Water Works Association‘s annual contest, with our fair city coming in a close second.

Oh yeah, Stevens Point? You think you’re all that? How about we make some other comparisons:

1. Hookers
Whatever sexual proclivities you may have, this wonderful city is available around the clock to see them met. In Stevens Point, however, your choices are, well, retired chemistry teacher Agnes Flunt.
Point: NYC

2. Baseball Teams
How about we combine the Mets and the Yankees and see how they fare against the mighty UW-Stevens Point (Div. III) Pointers. (Seriously, that was the name I was going to make up for the team before I decided to do some research. Sheesh.)
Point: NYC

3. Outdoor Film Screenings
We have Bryant Park and SummerScreen, you have “Movies in the Park”—c’mon, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? Is that even a real movie?
Point: NYC

4. Blackouts
The blackout of 2003 in New York was a remarkable and profound moment of community celebration: music, dancing, bonfires and a deeply benign spirit of solidarity pervaded the entire city. Blackouts in Stevens Point hardly even register, what with all the woodstoves and oil lamps.
Point: NYC

5. Pond Hockey
Ok, you guys kick our ass at this, and I, for one, am jealous.
Point: Stevens Point