There’s a new Lady Gaga video out today, for the song “Alejandro,” which I heard my mom singing the other day. You have to watch it now. It’s really shocking. Here, let me tell you all of the things that are so shocking about it. Warning, though, it is so shocking.
1. Shirtless man in fishnet stockings.
2. That guy’s hair at 0:48.
3. Gaga’s headgear, which appears to have lights built into it.
4. A human heart, stuck with pins, on a pillow.
5. Gaga wanting so badly to, I guess, eat it or fuck it or something that she stares at it longingly, while yanking on her bottom lip.
6. This shirtless dude with the pins stuck in his helmet.
7. Gaga’s accent during the talking part. What is it, French? Yonkers?
8. That the shirtless guy with the pin-helmet’s chin strap doesn’t extend all the way to his chin.
9. Gaga being entertained by a troupe of dancing shirtless men.
10. The weird spinning thing the shirtless men do at around 3:20. Maybe not shocking, but definitely mad lame.
11. Actually, jesus, going back to number 2, they all have that haircut, don’t they?
12. At 3:38, when the one shirtless dude throws the other shirtless dude to the floor, then lifts his pelvis up to his? What did that make you think of, America? Butt sex, right?
13. Gaga in a coffin, maybe?
14. Oh brother, I don’t know what she’s wearing now. Some sort of plasticky looking robe and a super-here costume thing that has a red arrow in the vag area.
15. Ahahaha, the jerk off motion at 4:20.
16. Gaga maybe smelling that guy’s ass at 4:52.
17. Eating rosary beads!!!
18. Uh, dressing like Madonna in the “Vogue” video?
19. Oh, she kind of has the same stupid haircut as those dudes now, right?
20. Dildo bra? Machine gun bra?
21. Gaga’s kind of dressed like The Fly-era Bono now.
22. Oh, except she’s naked under the leather jacket.
23. Oh my god, do you guys think Bono was naked under his leather jacket?
24. Fires in the street.
25. Oooh, guy in fishnets is back again! And he’s wearing heels! Was he wearing heels at first?! I’m definitely not gonna go back and check!
26. The shirtless, stupid-haired men are tossing Gaga around now—not The Fly Gaga or “Vogue” Gaga or Awesome Headgear Gaga, but Red Arrow Vag Gaga.
27. Oh, then she gets naked and they start touching her and shit. Maybe they’re not gay anymore? Wait, fuck, they were gay, right?
28. Visible Gaga ass.
29. Shirtless dude, I think maybe the one with the fishnets, even though he’s not wearing them anymore, sits at the edge of a bed, gun in hand. Gaga seems to be dead.