- Dirk Kuyt, the least charismatic forward player in the history of the World Cup final.
Reasonable minds may differ as to the aesthetic appeal of Spain’s endless, almost symphonically coordinated pingpong keep-ball passing, but everyone is in agreement about their opponents in Sunday’s World Cup Final: the Dutch are a bit brutish, frankly, and don’t deserve to win where Total Football couldn’t.
Fuck that shit: the Dutch are an appealing mix of witty forwards and hardworking shit-stirrers; they’ve dug in and grinned their way to the tournament’s only perfect record, and a victory for them would be an appealingly modest and deserved karmic reward.
Unless the spectacularly dirty holding midfielder Mark Van Bommel picks up a yellow card early, look for the Dutch to shoulder their way into the Spanish passing lanes, and for Arjen Robben and, yes, the perpetually unfashionable Dirk Kuyt to maintain possession high on the sidelines—the Dutch have completed their share of uncontested passes this tournament, too, so this game will consist of two teams tackling aggressively to try to break up the rhythm and hit on the counter. Expect two ugly goals and one beautiful one, Holland’s head-shaving bald men to beat Spain’s rugged goatees 2-1.