LOST: Have You Seen the Remains of This Deceased Area Nonna?

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08/27/2010 1:19 PM |

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“A Court Street attorney announced Thursday that there is a $30,000 reward for the return of his grandmother’s corpse,” reports the Brooklyn Eagle, going on to explain that the remains of the Italian emigre Mattia Filippazzo, who died aged 88 in 1998, were stolen from a Long Island mausoleum late Monday night of this week.

“The culprits vandalized two other mausoleums before entering the Filippazzo family mausoleum, police said,” and the article continued: “They removed the woman’s casket and left with her remains.”

Suffolk County officials say that the unknown parties climbed a fence to get into the cemetery; to clarify, they said that though cemetery vandalism is an unfortunately familiar occurrence, the theft of human remains is “very uncommon.”

To what sinister or malicious uses the body is now being put (Medical experiments? Zombie army? Art installation? Frathouse interior decor?), we know not.

The L Magazine joins with Mattia Filippazzo’s family in hoping for the prompt and respectful return of her body. And also her casket, which—at the risk of making perhaps stereotypical assumptions regarding the bereavement rituals of Catholic Italian-Americans—was probably a very, very nice casket, one worth a not insignificant amount of drug money if one were to, oh let’s just say, break it down and sell its component parts for quick cash in a desperate withdrawal-fueled frenzy.