News Items About Alzheimer’s Now Just Blatantly Going Out of Their Way to Scare the Crap Out of Local Film Critic

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08/05/2010 9:30 AM |

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Oh hey the New York Times Grey Lady Paper of Record lay some sober unemphatically reported science news on a fella like hey now now:

Will Alzheimer’s disease, a terrible degenerative brain disease with no treatments and no clear guidelines for diagnosis before its end stages, become like heart disease?

WHOA WHOA WHAT NOW THAT’S NO WAY TO BEGIN A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE WITH THE ABJECT TERROR AND BELL-TOLLING INEVITABILITY AND THEY HEY WHOA. Ok so what’s up? New diagnostic standards examining possible early indicators in the brain?

In July, when the groups first announced their proposed guidelines, they were met with some skepticism and anger. Why suggest ways of diagnosing the disease before a person even had symptoms? There is nothing now that can prevent Alzheimer’s. Why tell people they are doomed?

MAYBE ASK YOURSELF THAT SAME QUESTION Well anyway because:

A main goal of the proposed guidelines is to find signs of the disease much earlier. Researchers now agree that Alzheimer’s is smoldering in the brain a decade or more before people have any symptoms…

DEAR SWEET CHRIST IN A GLASS BOX ON WYCKOFF STREET DID THEY NOT TEACH YOU IN J-SCHOOL ABOUT HOW TO REPORT ON MEDICAL SCIENCE WITHOUT SOUNDING AS IF YOU ARE DELIVERING THE FUCKING BLACK SPOT FROM TREASURE ISLAND DIRECTLY TO THE READER I MEAN THIS IS JUST UNFAIR AT THIS POINT UUUUUGH.